Susan and others living with someone with memory/cognitive challenges…

[Spiky Bugger]

How do you do it?

This guy is getting on my last nerve. Not just the memory issues, but the personality changes. When he has one of his meltdowns, it’s weird. MrMiniSue witnessed one. He said it was like a flashback to his childhood with his drunk, alcoholic father screaming.

EXAMPLE
Background: I don’t like thin-sliced lunch meat. It feels like eating air. I constantly complain about it, including last night when making the list. And he LIKES to go to the grocery store.

I gave him a list that included “Ham (sliced).” He came home with a little tub of Hillshire Farms “ULTRA THIN SLICED” ham. I asked where MY ham was. I told him that I had specifically asked for sliced ham that I like, for ME.

Him…fuming, snarling: I bought what they had.
Me: They had NO OTHER sliced ham?
Him (loudly): I bought what they had.
Me: Let’s both go to the store and buy some OTHER ham they have.
Him (even louder): Well, by now, they’ve had time to restock.
Me: Half an hour ago, all they had was Ultra Thin Sliced Lunchmeat? And now they have Deli Sliced, and Carving Board, and Boar’s Head, and the entire Deli area where they will slice it to order? In three different areas of the store?
Him: That’s right, MsOmniscient, who wasn’t even IN the damned store!
Me: Let’s go!

Now, I know that I could have stopped sooner. Should have. But I’m not perfect, either. I have been bitching about thin-sliced lunch meats FOR YEARS. We…both of us… engaged in a conversation less than 12 hours earlier. He should stick to the chicken and turkey because of a cardiac history. And yet…

How do you make yourself not even disagree with him, WITHOUT an underlying assumption that he is no longer a regular thinking adult? I guess I just don’t want to go there. I’d rather MAKE him say, “Oops. I grabbed the wrong one.” That way I don’t have to accept where we are.

 

[southernlady]

How do you make yourself not even disagree with him, WITHOUT an underlying assumption that he is no longer a regular thinking adult? I guess I just don’t want to go there. I’d rather MAKE him say, “Oops. I grabbed the wrong one.” That way I don’t have to accept where we are.

Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe next time, say I want ham from the deli counter cut 1/4” (or whatever your preference is) thick. Be specific.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

How do you do it?

This guy is getting on my last nerve. Not just the memory issues, but the personality changes. When he has one of his meltdowns, it’s weird. MrMiniSue witnessed one. He said it was like a flashback to his childhood with his drunk, alcoholic father screaming.

EXAMPLE
Background: I don’t like thin-sliced lunch meat. It feels like eating air. I constantly complain about it, including last night when making the list. And he LIKES to go to the grocery store.

I gave him a list that included “Ham (sliced).” He came home with a little tub of Hillshire Farms “ULTRA THIN SLICED” ham. I asked where MY ham was. I told him that I had specifically asked for sliced ham that I like, for ME.

Him…fuming, snarling: I bought what they had.
Me: They had NO OTHER sliced ham?
Him (loudly): I bought what they had.
Me: Let’s both go to the store and buy some OTHER ham they have.
Him (even louder): Well, by now, they’ve had time to restock.
Me: Half an hour ago, all they had was Ultra Thin Sliced Lunchmeat? And now they have Deli Sliced, and Carving Board, and Boar’s Head, and the entire Deli area where they will slice it to order? In three different areas of the store?
Him: That’s right, MsOmniscient, who wasn’t even IN the damned store!
Me: Let’s go!

Now, I know that I could have stopped sooner. Should have. But I’m not perfect, either. I have been bitching about thin-sliced lunch meats FOR YEARS. We…both of us… engaged in a conversation less than 12 hours earlier. He should stick to the chicken and turkey because of a cardiac history. And yet…

How do you make yourself not even disagree with him, WITHOUT an underlying assumption that he is no longer a regular thinking adult? I guess I just don’t want to go there. I’d rather MAKE him say, “Oops. I grabbed the wrong one.” That way I don’t have to accept where we are.

I ask myself this question ALL the time! Sometimes I say out loud to myself “it’s the disease, it’s not his fault” and other times when I react to his childish, selfish, “ unlike him” things he does and says by lashing out at him in anger I then almost immediately feel a surge of guilt and ask for forgiveness from above. You are so right, sometimes I think I choose to bicker and argue with him over something to feel like he’s still normal and we’re having a normal fight. But he can’t participate well in a good bicker anymore because he can’t keep up. And no matter how loud I get or how snarky I get it doesn’t work. But, boy oh boy does he have his “it’s your fault” act down pat. The other thing he says all the time is “I must have been half asleep” when I said that, or did that. Ah, no, then you must be half asleep 24 hours a day.
I do not send to store anymore, I try not to have him go anywhere alone. When people ask him things he looks my way to answer if I’m around and if I’m not close by (but I can still hear) he’ll answer something but it’s usually incorrect or flat out fabricated!
The riding lawn mower stopped working, it’s been a major hassle. Finally got it to shop yesterday. He would forget it was broke and announce,” well, I’m going to go mow some” so we’d go through it one more time, how it stopped running, going to take to shop, etc etc. His sister who lives across the road has finally been recipient of a couple of his anger outbursts so she is finally realizing I’m not exaggerating as she used to think. He can still fool a lot of folks who are only around him for short time and he can do better for short times, so it gets a bit frustrating when it looks like I’m making things up. He is scheduled for another round of tests later this fall to see if and or how much his condition has declined.
On the upside, I made lasagna Saturday, 9x 13 huge dish and I’ve fed it to him several times and he raves about it each time! . Hang in there,Sue!

 

[hilary1617]

This is my third trip at the dementia rodeo. First my father in law, then my dad, both of who have passed and now my mom.

I struggle with this all the time, but I strive to accept that her reality is her reality. There are moments where I am super frustrated, but in those moments, I try to give myself a time out before responding because there's no upside to pointing out my frustrations. That only makes both of us feel bad. I have to remind myself to meet her where she is; not where I want her to be. It's so tough. Hang in there!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

This is my third trip at the dementia rodeo. First my father in law, then my dad, both of who have passed and now my mom.

I struggle with this all the time, but I strive to accept that her reality is her reality. There are moments where I am super frustrated, but in those moments, I try to give myself a time out before responding because there's no upside to pointing out my frustrations. That only makes both of us feel bad. I have to remind myself to meet her where she is; not where I want her to be. It's so tough. Hang in there!

Mine, too.

My step-father, then my mother, and now my hero. He always later apologizes and says he doesn’t know why he carried on so. WHEN I REMEMBER that’s going to happen, I sometimes stop before I start arguing back.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I ask myself this question ALL the time! Sometimes I say out loud to myself “it’s the disease, it’s not his fault” and other times when I react to his childish, selfish, “ unlike him” things he does and says by lashing out at him in anger I then almost immediately feel a surge of guilt and ask for forgiveness from above. You are so right, sometimes I think I choose to bicker and argue with him over something to feel like he’s still normal and we’re having a normal fight. But he can’t participate well in a good bicker anymore because he can’t keep up. And no matter how loud I get or how snarky I get it doesn’t work. But, boy oh boy does he have his “it’s your fault” act down pat. The other thing he says all the time is “I must have been half asleep” when I said that, or did that. Ah, no, then you must be half asleep 24 hours a day.
I do not send to store anymore, I try not to have him go anywhere alone. When people ask him things he looks my way to answer if I’m around and if I’m not close by (but I can still hear) he’ll answer something but it’s usually incorrect or flat out fabricated!
The riding lawn mower stopped working, it’s been a major hassle. Finally got it to shop yesterday. He would forget it was broke and announce,” well, I’m going to go mow some” so we’d go through it one more time, how it stopped running, going to take to shop, etc etc. His sister who lives across the road has finally been recipient of a couple of his anger outbursts so she is finally realizing I’m not exaggerating as she used to think. He can still fool a lot of folks who are only around him for short time and he can do better for short times, so it gets a bit frustrating when it looks like I’m making things up. He is scheduled for another round of tests later this fall to see if and or how much his condition has declined.
On the upside, I made lasagna Saturday, 9x 13 huge dish and I’ve fed it to him several times and he raves about it each time! . Hang in there,Sue!

I just…yesterday…read about the “normal” behavior. It’s called “Show Timing.” Lemme go find the link.

ETA:

https://www.homecare.co.uk/advice/s...s to when,people or during certain situations.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

This is my third trip at the dementia rodeo. First my father in law, then my dad, both of who have passed and now my mom.

I struggle with this all the time, but I strive to accept that her reality is her reality. There are moments where I am super frustrated, but in those moments, I try to give myself a time out before responding because there's no upside to pointing out my frustrations. That only makes both of us feel bad. I have to remind myself to meet her where she is; not where I want her to be. It's so tough. Hang in there!

You, too! How can we, as a nation, still be where we currently are in dealing with this? One out of three over 80 have kids or spouses or grandkids “going it alone.” Although there IS some new stuff on the genetic connections.

 

[hilary1617]

You, too! How can we, as a nation, still be where we currently are in dealing with this? One out of three over 80 have kids or spouses or grandkids “going it alone.” Although there IS some new stuff on the genetic connections.

I am very concerned about my future prospects and those of my children given the family history, though hopefully, the late onset they experienced will buy time for necessary advancements in science and medicine. Maybe something will come of the recent "young blood" developments? I do have a suspicion (albeit unfounded) that there is something vascular / circulatory involved.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

For anyone interested, there is a woman named Teepa Snow who is a pro at this and has MANY videos on YouTube, all of them informative.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I ask myself this question ALL the time! Sometimes I say out loud to myself “it’s the disease, it’s not his fault” and other times when I react to his childish, selfish, “ unlike him” things he does and says by lashing out at him in anger I then almost immediately feel a surge of guilt and ask for forgiveness from above. You are so right, sometimes I think I choose to bicker and argue with him over something to feel like he’s still normal and we’re having a normal fight. But he can’t participate well in a good bicker anymore because he can’t keep up. And no matter how loud I get or how snarky I get it doesn’t work. But, boy oh boy does he have his “it’s your fault” act down pat. The other thing he says all the time is “I must have been half asleep” when I said that, or did that. Ah, no, then you must be half asleep 24 hours a day.
I do not send to store anymore, I try not to have him go anywhere alone. When people ask him things he looks my way to answer if I’m around and if I’m not close by (but I can still hear) he’ll answer something but it’s usually incorrect or flat out fabricated!
The riding lawn mower stopped working, it’s been a major hassle. Finally got it to shop yesterday. He would forget it was broke and announce,” well, I’m going to go mow some” so we’d go through it one more time, how it stopped running, going to take to shop, etc etc. His sister who lives across the road has finally been recipient of a couple of his anger outbursts so she is finally realizing I’m not exaggerating as she used to think. He can still fool a lot of folks who are only around him for short time and he can do better for short times, so it gets a bit frustrating when it looks like I’m making things up. He is scheduled for another round of tests later this fall to see if and or how much his condition has declined.
On the upside, I made lasagna Saturday, 9x 13 huge dish and I’ve fed it to him several times and he raves about it each time! . Hang in there,Sue!

Forgot to mention (regular senior forgetfulness, I hope) the VA geriatric folks told me that since he’s been driving since 1968, those tasks are in firmly established neurocognitive pathways, so they will remain for a while. I disagree because I don’t think he’s able to handle every change that pops up. OTOH, I take opioids and don’t think folks on opioids should be behind the wheel. So I’m torn on that one.

Meanwhile, his dad was a butcher in a small town market. Going to “the shop” wasn’t a big deal…almost a daily occurrence.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

Forgot to mention (regular senior forgetfulness, I hope) the VA geriatric folks told me that since he’s been driving since 1968, those tasks are in firmly established neurocognitive pathways, so they will remain for a while. I disagree because I don’t think he’s able to handle every change that pops up. OTOH, I take opioids and don’t think folks on opioids should be behind the wheel. So I’m torn on that one.

Meanwhile, his dad was a butcher in a small town market. Going to “the shop” wasn’t a big deal…almost a daily occurrence.

I am torn too. It’s not the actual act of driving, steering, braking, etc that worries me, it’s the things such as remembering to put in park or turning off engine…sounds silly but it’s not!
Oh, yes I’m very familiar with show timing. I belong to a couple of groups online. Very helpful as well as depressing, but makes me see we are still very much in the honeymoon phase. My Dad had dementia toward the end, thought I was my Mom often, and my brother had vascular and frontal temporal (which is a crazy ride for sure) and I cared for him a couple of years after he moved here from Colorado to be near us. He had it already but we didn’t realize it from afar. When he got here, things got crazy very quickly. We had to take his keys away and he was so mad and would call the emergency number to report theft of his vehicle. Sheriff was very nice to us through it all. He would cuss me and chase me out, then call me later and ask me to come fix his tv remote. I took meds twice a day to him and cleaned up messes he made. Thankfully he lived 1/2 mile down the road.
It’s strange though, when Dad would ask same questions over and over I was able to stay patient with him relatively easily and not get mad at all. My brother and I had always been extremely close, him being my big brother 10 years older, and his dementia wasn’t really forgetfulness or repeating it was more of crazy notions, and thinking I was after his money and wanting to spend money on things he already had over and over, wanting to go visit an ex wife in Texas, watching pornography on his computer until he finally got locked out of it and couldn’t get back on…and he was having small strokes on and off.
It’s a different animal entirely when it’s your spouse . You want them to be their old selves so badly that (for me anyway) the frustration comes out sometimes in anger, as it also does for him. When all else fails, yell, yeah, I remember how to do that.
Yes, Teepa Snow is very good and helpful to watch.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I am torn too. It’s not the actual act of driving, steering, braking, etc that worries me, it’s the things such as remembering to put in park or turning off engine…sounds silly but it’s not!
Oh, yes I’m very familiar with show timing. I belong to a couple of groups online. Very helpful as well as depressing, but makes me see we are still very much in the honeymoon phase. My Dad had dementia toward the end, thought I was my Mom often, and my brother had vascular and frontal temporal (which is a crazy ride for sure) and I cared for him a couple of years after he moved here from Colorado to be near us. He had it already but we didn’t realize it from afar. When he got here, things got crazy very quickly. We had to take his keys away and he was so mad and would call the emergency number to report theft of his vehicle. Sheriff was very nice to us through it all. He would cuss me and chase me out, then call me later and ask me to come fix his tv remote. I took meds twice a day to him and cleaned up messes he made. Thankfully he lived 1/2 mile down the road.
It’s strange though, when Dad would ask same questions over and over I was able to stay patient with him relatively easily and not get mad at all. My brother and I had always been extremely close, him being my big brother 10 years older, and his dementia wasn’t really forgetfulness or repeating it was more of crazy notions, and thinking I was after his money and wanting to spend money on things he already had over and over, wanting to go visit an ex wife in Texas, watching pornography on his computer until he finally got locked out of it and couldn’t get back on…and he was having small strokes on and off.
It’s a different animal entirely when it’s your spouse . You want them to be their old selves so badly that (for me anyway) the frustration comes out sometimes in anger, as it also does for him. When all else fails, yell, yeah, I remember how to do that.
Yes, Teepa Snow is very good and helpful to watch.

I just had some Chunky Monkey ice cream. That may help.

ETA: What I worry about is anything unexpected…a detour, an accident up ahead causing a traffic jam, anything he doesn’t ROUTINELY deal with. Also, even when we discuss and look at graphics showing a better route (since we have moved) he sticks to the familiar.

(It explains why he didn’t escape from this marriage when he could have done so! He finds the familiar quite comforting.)

 

[JackieOnLine]

OMG I love Teepa Snow and so glad you've found her videos. I did an entire series she put on, where the different stages of dementia are seen as different "jewels". very good info.

thanks for the link to "show timing" Sue, it's something I've seen but didn't know there was a phrase for it.

with driving it's not the mechanics of it (at least not at first) but being able to handle any problems that come up. anything unexpected.

There are moments where I am super frustrated, but in those moments, I try to give myself a time out before responding because there's no upside to pointing out my frustrations.

that's all you can do, that and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

you need time where you are not with him, and responsible for him, 24/7. how much time and what that needs to look like is for you to figure out. with the help of MiniSue and spouse, of course. and anyone else you can find! GET SUPPORT! well, you made an excellent decision to move into the facility and hope that is going well.

I wish is wasn't this hard for all of you and Susan in Tennessee . bad enough when it's a parent, but your spouse I can't imagine.

group hug!!!

 

[southernlady]

Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with dementia in my family. My father had a mild case of senior dementia as he got past the age of 80 but nothing serious. Although to hear my youngest half sister talking, he was full blown Alzheimer’s. And no, he didn’t have it. His PCP NEVER mentioned it to me and I was on his medical file for full disclosure and actually sat in his appointments with him, cause like me and my husband, we don’t remember everything. The ONLY medications he was on was metformin he was pre diabetic and a blood pressure medication, which annoyed him no end.

I spent a lot of time with him his last year, he was no more forgetful than most any senior with their attic full of information. Both short AND long term memory. It was only in his final year we thought of taking away his car keys, bad case of driving by feel.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

OMG I love Teepa Snow and so glad you've found her videos. I did an entire series she put on, where the different stages of dementia are seen as different "jewels". very good info.

thanks for the link to "show timing" Sue, it's something I've seen but didn't know there was a phrase for it.

with driving it's not the mechanics of it (at least not at first) but being able to handle any problems that come up. anything unexpected.



that's all you can do, that and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

you need time where you are not with him, and responsible for him, 24/7. how much time and what that needs to look like is for you to figure out. with the help of MiniSue and spouse, of course. and anyone else you can find! GET SUPPORT! well, you made an excellent decision to move into the facility and hope that is going well.

I wish is wasn't this hard for all of you and Susan in Tennessee . bad enough when it's a parent, but your spouse I can't imagine.

group hug!!!

On the Show Timing issue…
for 50 years, I‘ve watched this guy stand FAIRLY silent in group settings…never the one to speak up. He is not “friendly,” in that he does not do ANYTHING to encourage folks to get involved with him. He is “friendly,” as far as being pleasant and relatively non-confrontational. Never got in trouble at work for not getting along with co-workers/the public. I don’t think he’s made an outgoing phone call to a “friend,” ever. I think one or two guys called after his heart attack, a quarter century ago…but once he answered the “how are you doing?” Inquiries, he had nothing else to say. But, he survives in one-on-one settings and was even a peer-counselor at work.

All of a sudden, he‘s a male Chatty Cathy. I have to interrupt the story telling that he engages in whenever there’s an audience.

I expounded here on his history of not talking so that you wouldn’t think that it’s because we’ve moved and there are others to talk to. He’s had coworkers and we’ve had neighbors all these years. He‘d smile and answer most questions, but never ASK any questions that might cause others to continue to engage with him or show that he possibly had an interest in knowing anything about them.

But THIS guy…he’s chomping at the bit to add to every conversation. (Actually makes him LOOK less neurotic and more congenial. His father was a loud alcoholic and he spent most of his life NOT copying him.). I keep having to say, “Honey! Joshua has other patients to get to.” Or, “Justin charges us by the hour; let’s not add on too much chat time.”

Anyway, it’s weird hearing all his stories for the first time. And a bit scary knowing this is just the beginning of whatever it turns out to be. And, you’re right JackieOnLine , very different that doing all this with a parent.