kirmy
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2014
- Messages
- 748
You have signed up to an arse related surgery. The purpose is to make you shit out your excess body fat and gobble up your own reserves…which then you metabolise and eventually shit out (ok sketchy science but sort of). Yes poo…..your world now revolves around your anus and for the lesser evolved lizard brains like me that is hilarious and wonderful. You see before everything revolved around my mouth…what come out of it what went into it…now….it’s what is coming out of my arse.
So you’re fat hey? Not working out well for you? Nah me neither. It sucked arse. I had the Ds and plummeted to skeletor proportions which I loved after being a fat bastard for my entire life. Being skinny was magical….I looked like shit but I was SKINNY….ME! Well that changed. Now I am healthy, got some muscle back and obsess over the 5kgs that come and go based on my consumption. I look good even if I do say so in my arrogant arseholy way. I apologised my entire life for myself so haters go fuck yourself.
So how do you buy into the skinny bastard dream? Easy…your bum. You know that surgical wizardry that was done to your intestines? Well it is about destroying the villi (little fingers that stick out from your bowel walls and suck up nutrients from what chugs past). We get plunged into a villious atrophy state (we freeze the poor little buggers in their tracks by dicking about with bowel transit etc. and many die back so we absorb less cause well…we’ve kind been on a killing spree). So ok I’ve only got like 1 meter of small intestine (yeh your mileage may vary) so shit that’s not much right….not many villi left there right? Then we add malabsorbtion because of this food luuge so large intestine is like…. "Fuck man this is too runny and weird and acidy for my liking let’s just dump this mother load now"!
Bowel transit! I do a monumental shit in the morning followed by its smaller cousin an hour or so later. During my rapid weight loss phase I shat about an hour after every meal. Food in; shite out…..the skittles rainbow of shit colours that would make a proctologist seize. Also no gallbladder means your ghost poo likes to play submarines. You effectively produce beige jobbies. Little non flushing floating bastards that mock your toilet paper bombs. Naturally this mainly occurs in public toilets or at posh people's houses.
So public toilets. Yup better get used to using them because you cannot hold in the volume of shit that you will produce nor the oil that you malabsorbed earlier. I’m a Nurse Practitioner so I have a bladder like a bucket and until before my DS I assumed a bowel like a reticulated python. I would NOT shit in a public toilet. If it meant I held that in until rupture then fuck it I would.
Post DS.....Oh but then I shit myself on my way to pick up my partner from work in the car….cause you know….I’d shit when I got home! Ever tried wiping your slimy oil slicked arse with snow? No? Had to CSI the car and my germaphobe boyfriend almost required sedation, intubation and ventilation. He still carry’s alcohol gel everywhere he goes. I broke him that day…broke him!
So in summery how you live with the atomic shitting surgery of all time? It is actually really easy despite me painting a poo apocalypse scenario. Diet is imperative. If you eat flour, wheaty products and processed food full of “itols” expect a cascade of shit that will make you wonder if the noises are infact urine…nope that is poo…. Not soon after surgery (first month and half out) I had the brainwave to eat tziki coated peanuts because…nuts right? I have helped deliver a baby before and this was like breach birthing a goat while Scottish Country Dancing is being undertaken on you duodenum. Nothing could prepare me for the pain, farts and unholy passage of this daemon seed. So in short you will have mystery foods in your first couple of years that make you question if living as a Kantian head in a jar wouldn’t be an excellent plan. Steer clear of shit inducing carbs as likely they will also slow your weight loss too. Bread is not your friend. Not at all….and 5.5 years out I can attest that it is the quickest way for me to pack on the pounds.
Make adjustments for public shitting: carry wet wipes for oily days (tomato sauces for pasta usually get me tefflon arsed and hating myself) and carry cunning poo hiding sprays like Pooporri and then compliment it with a squirt of Lush perfume (no idea why but this gives me almost 100% coverage).
Never put off a shit. Just go to the toilet dammit. You’re asking a poor little two way valve to stop Vesuvius and although it tries it isn’t equipped for an entire digestive systems worth of mulch. Sometimes you can’t shit. Damn calcium you evil hoor! Well I find ingestion of a pack of gelatine based sweeties has me crying to Mecca as I grip the toilet seat. I call it Percy pig bum flossing. Many also suffer from evil constipation. Google diverticulitis.....notice any similarities?
So with all of this assault my arsehole looks like a Japanese flag. Yes….haemorrhoids and fissures may happen. I got the set. Seek medical attention when you can and speak to the forum here for remedies. For me keeping my diet bum friendly helps immeasurably.
I am a slim feminine woman who shits like an interstate truck driver. I fart like I was designed by the Manhattan Project…and I’m fine with that. I often Internationally travel, I live amongst 200 men on an oil platform every three weeks and so far no one is any wiser that I am a public health risk. So if a reprobate can pull this off then normal people like you will be made of win.
Go out there and shit yourself thin……..so much win…so much!
So you’re fat hey? Not working out well for you? Nah me neither. It sucked arse. I had the Ds and plummeted to skeletor proportions which I loved after being a fat bastard for my entire life. Being skinny was magical….I looked like shit but I was SKINNY….ME! Well that changed. Now I am healthy, got some muscle back and obsess over the 5kgs that come and go based on my consumption. I look good even if I do say so in my arrogant arseholy way. I apologised my entire life for myself so haters go fuck yourself.
So how do you buy into the skinny bastard dream? Easy…your bum. You know that surgical wizardry that was done to your intestines? Well it is about destroying the villi (little fingers that stick out from your bowel walls and suck up nutrients from what chugs past). We get plunged into a villious atrophy state (we freeze the poor little buggers in their tracks by dicking about with bowel transit etc. and many die back so we absorb less cause well…we’ve kind been on a killing spree). So ok I’ve only got like 1 meter of small intestine (yeh your mileage may vary) so shit that’s not much right….not many villi left there right? Then we add malabsorbtion because of this food luuge so large intestine is like…. "Fuck man this is too runny and weird and acidy for my liking let’s just dump this mother load now"!
Bowel transit! I do a monumental shit in the morning followed by its smaller cousin an hour or so later. During my rapid weight loss phase I shat about an hour after every meal. Food in; shite out…..the skittles rainbow of shit colours that would make a proctologist seize. Also no gallbladder means your ghost poo likes to play submarines. You effectively produce beige jobbies. Little non flushing floating bastards that mock your toilet paper bombs. Naturally this mainly occurs in public toilets or at posh people's houses.
So public toilets. Yup better get used to using them because you cannot hold in the volume of shit that you will produce nor the oil that you malabsorbed earlier. I’m a Nurse Practitioner so I have a bladder like a bucket and until before my DS I assumed a bowel like a reticulated python. I would NOT shit in a public toilet. If it meant I held that in until rupture then fuck it I would.
Post DS.....Oh but then I shit myself on my way to pick up my partner from work in the car….cause you know….I’d shit when I got home! Ever tried wiping your slimy oil slicked arse with snow? No? Had to CSI the car and my germaphobe boyfriend almost required sedation, intubation and ventilation. He still carry’s alcohol gel everywhere he goes. I broke him that day…broke him!
So in summery how you live with the atomic shitting surgery of all time? It is actually really easy despite me painting a poo apocalypse scenario. Diet is imperative. If you eat flour, wheaty products and processed food full of “itols” expect a cascade of shit that will make you wonder if the noises are infact urine…nope that is poo…. Not soon after surgery (first month and half out) I had the brainwave to eat tziki coated peanuts because…nuts right? I have helped deliver a baby before and this was like breach birthing a goat while Scottish Country Dancing is being undertaken on you duodenum. Nothing could prepare me for the pain, farts and unholy passage of this daemon seed. So in short you will have mystery foods in your first couple of years that make you question if living as a Kantian head in a jar wouldn’t be an excellent plan. Steer clear of shit inducing carbs as likely they will also slow your weight loss too. Bread is not your friend. Not at all….and 5.5 years out I can attest that it is the quickest way for me to pack on the pounds.
Make adjustments for public shitting: carry wet wipes for oily days (tomato sauces for pasta usually get me tefflon arsed and hating myself) and carry cunning poo hiding sprays like Pooporri and then compliment it with a squirt of Lush perfume (no idea why but this gives me almost 100% coverage).
Never put off a shit. Just go to the toilet dammit. You’re asking a poor little two way valve to stop Vesuvius and although it tries it isn’t equipped for an entire digestive systems worth of mulch. Sometimes you can’t shit. Damn calcium you evil hoor! Well I find ingestion of a pack of gelatine based sweeties has me crying to Mecca as I grip the toilet seat. I call it Percy pig bum flossing. Many also suffer from evil constipation. Google diverticulitis.....notice any similarities?
So with all of this assault my arsehole looks like a Japanese flag. Yes….haemorrhoids and fissures may happen. I got the set. Seek medical attention when you can and speak to the forum here for remedies. For me keeping my diet bum friendly helps immeasurably.
I am a slim feminine woman who shits like an interstate truck driver. I fart like I was designed by the Manhattan Project…and I’m fine with that. I often Internationally travel, I live amongst 200 men on an oil platform every three weeks and so far no one is any wiser that I am a public health risk. So if a reprobate can pull this off then normal people like you will be made of win.
Go out there and shit yourself thin……..so much win…so much!
