Coming to you all for support. Hope you understand...

[Tabitha]

Just realized something today about my relationship with food. I have struggled with eating disorders my whole life but never admitted to anyone, least of al myself. I have gone days without eating anything and just drinking water. I found after day 3 of eating nothing, the hunger pains go away for the most part. I used to enjoy the challenge of seeing how long I could go without eating, and not passing out. I rationalized I was just doing a "cleanse." I am not sharing this to be dramatic. It is something I have struggled with. I am compliant with my DS because I do not want to get sick, but honestly I wish I could not eat.
The thought has occurred to me, that I might lose weight faster if I just drank protein shakes 4x a day to get my protein in, and made sure I drank tons of water and got in all my vites. I am not trying to justify my actions. I do not enjoy eating since I had surgery. I find eating only a necessary evil. I used to love food before, but I tell myself that is how I got so fat and now have a very hate relationship with it.
I didn't know I would feel this way after surgery. Like most of us I used food to push down my emotions and numb myself. I thought it was my friend and was always there to comfort me. Surgery made me feel differently. Now I look at it as a lying cheating spouse. I wish it would go away. It lied to me for years and made me unhealthy. I relied on it far too much. This isn't healthy either. I know this...intellectually.
I hid behind my wall of fat and used it to push people away. Now my weight is front and center and the topic of almost every conversation I have with people. I hate it. I just want to be left alone. Yes, I am losing weight. But I don't want to talk about. And it is none of your business how much I have lost, so stop hinting around for numbers. I resent people who now tell me I look pretty, or I am looking well, because it makes me feel like before I wasn't.
I want to just be left alone and hid away from the world. I never realized how big being fat was a part of my identity to other people(pun intended...haha) and it makes me angry sometimes. I resent guys who now try to hit on me, because they wouldn't have thought twice before. I want to scream at people, "I am not my fat!" My body issues are more prominent to me than ever before. I can not use food to stuff down emotions, so I have to deal with them whether I want too or not. I have been finding myself looking in the mirror and picking myself apart. I feel like such a failure for allowing my weight to creep up as high as it did, and I will always have reminders of that. Loose skin, scars, plastic surgery scars maybe one day.
I am newly single, after being married for 9 years. Dating seems impossible to me. There are guys who like big girls, but I won't be much longer. There are guys who like skinny chics, but even if I get skinny(something I am not 100% convinced of yet) I will never be normal. I will always have scars. So who in the hell is going to want me now? I feel like a freak. I had self esteem issues before as fat, but there was an identity with that, albeit it might have been more delusional that I let on. I was one of those big girls who said I was happy being curvy and plus size. I wasn't, but what was my alternative? I would eat nothing but salad and water for weeks and not drop a pound.
I turned 29 this year. I am noticing that my skin doesn't snap back as well. I had lapband in 07 at 22 and my skin seemed to snap back amazingly well. I lost 100 lbs. I realize in the grand scheme of things 29 is actually young. To some of you I seem like a baby yet....but I feel old. I didn't say it was rational, just how I feel.
I am sorry to be a downer. I am more using this as a place to vent, because I feel like maybe some of you would understand.

 

[DianaCox]

I'm sorry you are in pain - but - TRUST IN THIS - it is a process MANY have gone through, and come out whole on the other side, and you will get through it.

Obviously, if you are not in therapy, you need to be. A good therapist can help you work through this.

You MUST learn to eat normally (well, normally for a DSer). Existing on protein shakes when you don't need them is bad for your health and bad for your psyche. Food is DELICIOUS and enjoyment of food is part of enjoyment of LIFE.

The older you get, the more scars, sags, wrinkles and evidence of LIFE LIVED you have - that is a fact. You don't want to be with someone who judges you on your scars - you want someone who judges your heart and mind. In some ways, having scars and showing them and having them be a non-issue is a fool-proof litmus test - so long as YOU don't present them as "I don't know how you could want me when I look this way" and your partner is a manipulative shit who will take advantage of that. If YOU don't care, nobody can MAKE you care.

That's all I've got for now. My husband loved me fat and thinner and now. He's got a scar or two (physical and emotional) himself - we don't judge each other or ourselves on looks (well, not much, but when you're in your 60s, you learn to adapt!).

 

[southernlady]

Your feelings are valid...

Echoing what Diana said....a therapist will help but please don't deny yourself...we got the DS to get healthy but also to ENJOY life.

 

[hilary1617]

Tabitha,

I totally understand just wanting to do the protein shakes and say goodbye to food. I'm an "all or nothing" girl and moderation has never been my strength.

At 14, as a normal weight exchange student in Germany who had put on 10 pounds due to local cuisine, I went on my first self-imposed "diet" ever. My choice was to go 7 days without eating any solid food. This took place on a 10-day class field trip while I was away from my exchange family so I wouldn't hurt their feelings by refusing food. My "diet" ended dramatically when I lost consciousness climbing the stairs at Strasbourg Cathedral.

In 2011-2012 I was, by my own choosing, on a medically-supervised 900 calorie prepackaged liquid diet for 6+ months. I think, had my surgeon not insisted I go off it for nutritional and digestive heath reasons, I'd probably still be on it. OR, I would have been on it until some random point in time at which for some reason I would have been tempted to eat something normal, then felt like I had blown it and then gone completely off course, as happened with every other diet attempt in my life.

All that said, please don't just do just shakes. (A) as a DS'er, you really will need fat, (B) It make you feel isolated or different you if you can't join others in eating normally, (C) You need your strength and a varied diet will help give that to you, and (D) Your good gut bacteria need a varied diet to thrive and to have friendly brethren join them - this is the reason my surgeon *insisted* I go off the liquid diet at least a month before my DS.

It's easy to say, and much harder to find in the dating world, but there *are* good, kind men out there who will adore you regardless of appearance, as it should be. Maybe think about the situation in reverse. If you met a bright, fun, kind man, and then went to the beach with him on a date and his lack of attire exposed a huge, disfiguring scar on his torso, maybe from a burn or surgery, would *you* like him less? Or would you think, "wow, he's got to be strong to have such a positive attitude despite going through whatever left that scar" and maybe like him even more for it? The *right* man will not care so much about the wrapping as the gift inside.

Wishing you all the best. Keep in touch here, and more importantly with your closest friends or a therapist. This is a tough time. Let people in to help carry some of the load!

Best wishes,
Hilary

 

[vivimolly]

What everyone else said plus...

Try not to judge others so harshly on their questions - how weird would it be if everyone just IGNORED your weight loss? I know it feels intrusive, but I'd be willing to bet that most of them mean well and are trying to be supportive in their own way.

I remember the people who used to barely be bothered to say hello who suddenly wanted to be my bosom buddy. At first it irked me too, then I just figured that was THEIR problem and kept being polite. Eventually they stopped trying so hard to be my new BFF but they at least speak now which is an improvement overall.

 

[JackieOnLine]

Tabitha, we do understand. I have been thinking about this since I first read your post because I don't want to say too much. or too little. or the wrong thing.

it's good you have a place to vent and I hope we can provide support but you must also get in-person help. please do not underestimate this situation.

change is stressful- having surgery just by itself is a huge stress, as is a major weight loss, as is being newly single.

put them together and you are under enormous strain. please get help!

hope the time is soon when you can enjoy food again. until then, think of it as medicine - something you need. protein shakes, sure, but you need food also.

keep posting!

 

[Jo777]

I will have more to say later, but just wanted to chime in that you are not alone in feeling like this. I was in my early 20's and coming out of a long term abusive relationship the first time I lost a huge chunk of weight, my skin never snapped back, it did not stop me from finding a worthy partner, eventually.. what I learned in the process only made the end so much better.

The interest in your shrinking self will not stop till you stabilize, it does feel intrusive.. but I practiced a response that helped... for every time I got the you look great etc superficial focus (normal human reaction) I answered with a heartfelt, thanks I FEEL great.. and diversion from there.. it settles down. You are the most interesting thing right now.. the attention fades. Try to accept it as a normal thing and keep a sense of privacy while you are in the midst of it all, believe it or not, it does pass and some days you miss the excitement.

The feeling of eating=chore did not last long for me, your exp may be different, but I third the opinions to find someone to chat with.. food is sustaining, life-affirming, and post-op, can be just as much/better than preop.. It's a change, it takes some getting used to, but what you describe goes a bit deeper than just basic overeating, and you would really be shortchanging yourself and everything you have risked to not consult with a pro on the other things rattling around in your head. Life is rarely a one direction path, WLS is even more fraught with obstacles and hurdles. You have found a good bunch to be among, but also don't ignore that this is a deep, convoluted and life-long path to walk for all of us.. we all went under the knife to solve an issue, that's no small commitment.

 

[shann]

Everyone else has said so many good things, so I'll just say that you are not alone. I hope you will continue to share your feelings and recognize that you need to speak them out loud. Speech has so much power. If you can go to a therapist, then do that-- if not, then keep speaking out to us and to the people in your life.

Hugs and just know again -- you.are.not.alone.

 

[DianaCox]

I cannot overemphasize how much enjoyment can be had from eating delicious foods that I had denied myself (or had eaten along with a hefty portion of choking guilt) that are DS Health Food. like:

• Bacon
• Turkey and chicken skin
• Salad with all the full fat creamy salad dressing I want
• Chicken and tuna salad with all the real mayonnaise I want
• Marbled steaks
• Seafood, especially crabs and shrimps, drowning in butter
• Bacon
• Cheese omelets
• Salty nuts
• Fried stuff (minus some of the breading)
• Deviled eggs
• Vegetables drowning in butter and salt
• Bacon

You get the idea.

 

[Paula]

Tabitha,

I too understand all too well exactly what you are talking about. If you believe nothing else I say, I just want you to come away with one thing...you are not alone. I've done every crazy ass diet known to man, including some seriously unhealthy ways to try to lose weight. I've done the WLS dance for 13 years now. Had an RNY, lost a bunch of weight, resented the hell out of people for suddenly being interested in the same person who repulsed people at my heaviest, had so much loose skin (at one time I was over 526lbs) that I felt I was hideously disgusting, watched the weight come back n after my RNY honeymoon was over, lived for years of feeling once again like the shameful failure I believed deep down I was, and revised my RNY to a DS for another shot.

The beauty of the DS is that all the stuff they drilled into us for years as unhealthy (fats, meats, eggs, and cheeses) is actually good for us. I eat a two egg omelet with bacon/ham/cheese every single morning and my lipid panel and all other labs are great. While it's true I look like the offspring of a Shar Pei dog and a deflated weather balloon, I honestly accept every single "flaw" of mine like a badge of honor. It took me two WLS to finally come to terms with myself. I don't eat with guilt and shame anymore. I finally get to do something I've never had a chance to do in my 40 years on Earth...I eat for the joy of eating. It's okay now to enjoy food because when I can make the right choices now.

Please find someone professionally to talk to because this is a hell of a ride you are on. I always say one of my biggest mistakes was not getting some therapy after my RNY and I was dealing with all the same feelings you find yourself struggling with. And please keep coming here to be with the rest of us. We are all each other's people who understand like no one else can.

 

[Charris]

Tabitha ,
I understand what you are saying. I believe yesterday or the day before I said I just wanted to do shakes and be done. I don't feel good when i eat I don't feel good when I don't eat. Unfortunately ,people who deal with food issues get a raw deal if you smoke and want to quit you don't have to smoke to live. whereas those who have problems with eating we just can't wash our hands of eating and walk away. we have to deal with it and learn how to eat to live and not live to eat. Hugs I hope you feel better.

 

[Cello]

Tabitha,
Many of us have had such similar feelings... and I found myself reading this thread saying, "Yes, yes, yes,"

I was single and dating after my first WLS (minus 130lbs) and felt like such a fraud -- I thought, in clothes, this is just false advertising. How do I bridge the gap between clothes and what's under those full-body Spanx?

I remember one particular date where the guy said I was, 'Almost Perfect.' What? NO!!! Run! I got out of there so so so fast, not because of anything about him (and I think he was pretty elitist and arrogant - doubt I would have chosen him had I realized I had a choice too) -- but I couldn't even begin to assess him or what I wanted because I had not come to terms with me, saggy skin, radiant spirit and all.

I was at a significant loss as to not only how to date, but more importantly how to live in and appreciate my body. How would I ever redefine and actually embrace myself? I share this as yet another lens for you. Another way to say, "You are not alone."

Finding someone -- a professional -- to talk with is such solid advice. Give yourself that.

Another thing: Role models helped me... the most profound one has nothing to do with size but everything to do with healing and empowerment. There was a once well known image -- a poster by a teacher and mentor of mine. http://www.amazon.com/Tree-Essays-P...QMA_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389584512&sr=1-6 Maybe it will have an impact for you? If not, find something that DOES inspire you as you venture through this WLS process to reinvent -- or more fully invent -- yourself in healthy and inspired ways going forward.

 

[Tabitha]

I love this group. I was worried I was going to be chastised for some of my comments.(especially the shake thing. I won't do it.) You all made tears come to my eyes. It is so nice to know I am not alone, or crazy with these thoughts. The support here is tremendous and uplifting. You all raised my spirits and I thank you. I will call my surgeon's office tomorrow and see if they recommend anyone in my area to talk with.
I hadn't really stopped to evaluate just how much crap I am taking on right now. WLS, Divorce, my 4 year son(who worships his father), having to be the sole income for myself and my son. So many changes.
I am the first person to offer a friend a shoulder to cry on. I need to learn to extend the same empathy to myself.

 

[Cello]

I am the first person to offer a friend a shoulder to cry on. I need to learn to extend the same empathy to myself.

YES. THIS.

 

[conceit]

This was such an emotional read for me. Will be back. Thanks for the link @Cello.