Since I'm already venting.......

[Clematis]

How deeply sad. I'm so sorry about your loss, @Susan in Tennessee, and the insensitivity of others.

 

[k9ophile]

@k9ophile, how insensitive and stupid people are! I've been victim to the not having babies part of this one for many years. It was, though,outdone in my personal scoreboard of hurtful comments a few years back during my stepson's diagnosis with Stage 4 melanoma in February 2009 and subsequent death in March 2010 at the age of 39. Now keep in mind, Clint was in grade school when I met his father and married two years later, and my husband had fulltime custody of his son, so I skipped labor, potty training, etc. and went straight to slightly older years, the pre-teen and teens! We lived together as a family, I did mother things for and with him, and loved him as my son, which to me he was. It hurt so much when many more people than I would have ever expected to be so heartless would say things to me during his illness and afterwards such as, "how's Bill's son doing" or "please tell Bill we're thinking of HIM",or my standout favorite "we know Bill must be so heart-broken". I wanted to scream at them that it was killing me too,what about me,aren't you sorry I'm hurting? I was ONLY a stepmom in their eyes. Wow, sorry, apparently this has bothered me more than I realized as it just boiled out of me right now.

When my step-son married, I met his wife's step-mother who said, "Oh, you must be the evil step-mother." I told her I hoped not as I loved my step-children very much. I don't know why we step-mothers get that rap. I'm sure they exist outside of fairy tales, yet I was rather put out at the suggestion since I was a step-mother, I was inherently evil. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. We never had custody, yet I grew very close to them. When my step-daughter had a stroke at age 29, I could not believe how deeply I was worried about her. That's when I knew how much they meant to me.

Fortunately, their mother and I got along splendidly. Under the circumstances we weren't BFFs, yet we were very cordial. I'm glad we could get along so well for the children's sake.

I guess we can't stop the assholes, but we can respond. I admire your restraint, yet I wouldn't condemn you for speaking your mind. In fact, I'd be leading the applause.

 

[k9ophile]

@Charris You're right: I rarely call them step-children. Close friends know, but I refrain from using "step" whenever I can. That's for relating my role as well as theirs.

 

[Will2014]

I've heard some pretty stupid things said over my years, but to me what separates the ass wipes from the good folks who just oopsied with their tongues, comes later. A decent, humble person would thing about what they said and call or text an apology. The ass wipe will go on their merry way, not giving a crap about the pain their thoughtless statements might have caused. Sorry you seem to have encountered the latter types...

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

Thanks for all your understanding and kind words. Thankfully I had enough friends and family in our life who did "get it" so they made up for the stupid ones. Bills ex and I had met mostly at milestone events over the years such as graduations, etc, and were civil but never really had a relationship. During Clint's illness though we supported each other, the three of us parents, and that was something good to come out of bad. She even came to Tennessee and stayed with us a few days when our daughter in law and our five grands brought some of Clint's ashes here to be buried (yes, I said part of his ashes, that's a whole other story), and we continue to be friendly with birthday cards and catch-up calls ever few months. She's a veterinarian so she's been our "dr. On Call" via phone a couple times. It was a wee bit awkward though the day she arrived here at our house and as I was showing her around I realized a few pieces of furniture in the dining room were things she had picked out and had for their house in Texas! Hey, she ran off and left them and the furniture, AFTER my husband put her through veterinarian school at Texas A &M, while he and Clint stayed at home in El Paso on the other side of the state! She had a boyfriend over there come to find out. She married him but then divorced quickly. She came back to town while Bill and I were dating and wanted him to give her another chance but he said no way, so I think that made her not want to be friends in the early years! . I LOVE my cherry china cabinet!!!

 

[southernlady]

Oh, Susan, I am SO sorry for your and Bill's and biomom's loss.

I have two daughters who made me a parent at age 12 and 10. They came along with their dad who I married coming up on 20 years ago. And while they have a biomom, she has issues...major ones that she can't really control unless she remembers her medication. I know if something happened to either one, I would hurt badly....they are my kids just not by birth.

 

[southernlady]

I'm not a real woman due to my history of military service and lack of children. Yes, all real women would never be in the military and must pop out babies perpetually.

I'm also in that boat. Altho my lack of kids was "cured" when I married and gained two without popping them out, sleepless nights, diapers, and potty training.

 

[hilary1617]

I've never used this, but answering an inappropriate comment or question with an icy stare and the retort "Why would you say that to me?" has been suggested as a way to stop such comments and questions.

I use this method from time to time as well as the other method of responding with absolute silence. "Why would you say something like that?" works particularly well if the comment is made by someone who is generally likable, but who has difficulty activating their thought-to-speech filter (like elderly relatives).