I'm on a diet...and I never dreamed it would come to this.

[kirmy]

Kirmy, first, thanks for your honesty and openness- your story resonates with many. No food advice here - for no good reason I ate some oatmeal this morning that will likely have its way with me shortly.

That said, I'm hoping this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I'd like to give your inner voice a spanking and tell her, "STOP PICKING ON KIRMY! SHE IS *PERFECT* IN ANY FORM! Please look after her health and happiness and pay no nevermind to how her jeans fit."

I just wish you could see you as others do (the ones that count - those that love you)! You are beautiful inside and out and have been all along. You were beautiful at your maximum weight and lowest weight and everywhere in between. That is all.

Well no...I'm not perfect. I'm a bit of an arsehole that is the squre peg in any round hole. I'm infuriating truly. I'd piss yo off after 48hrs in my compay because I'm so bossy and well...fucking annoying. But as for m self esteem...I do actually like me. This is why I'm so acutely aware of he path I am leading myself down. Thank you though. You're so sweet

 

[kirmy]

With the not weighing, are you feeling a little less panicked/mad?
It seems to help keep my head in the game of allowing my body to find a comfortable settling spot. Yes, I will likely always still bitch & moan and want my hipbones to stick out a bit.. but at least if I decide to go off the rails and eat the croissants from Rene's followed by deep fried cheese and beer, I did it because I wanted it.. not because I wanted it and the scale a. was up, therefore I might as well Fuck It All, or b. it was down, so I Can Handle This.. either is putting the responsibility elsewhere from my own. I may use the fit of my jeans now, or the swelling of my ankles, but at least it isn't tied to a pound or two swing..

Yeh a bit...kind of like..."well the horse has bolted why muck out the stable"? The jeans are the tell tale but really if I'm honest I'm never moving too far from my settle point. I alo bargin with food. "hell eat the Haagen Das...you had toast with your breakfast so you're fucked anyway"! It's shit like this that keeps me self critical.

 

[kirmy]

This post works at all stages of the DS. We all have to fight the demons. Thanks, as always, for sharing!

I suppose it never ges away...but it is easy to get lulled into a false sense of security an assume y're fixed because you can wear skinny jeans

 

[Jo777]

Yeh a bit...kind of like..."well the horse has bolted why muck out the stable"? The jeans are the tell tale but really if I'm honest I'm never moving too far from my settle point. I alo bargin with food. "hell eat the Haagen Das...you had toast with your breakfast so you're fucked anyway"! It's shit like this that keeps me self critical.

Yeah, my swing truth be told is a whopping 10lbs.. but to me it feels like 40 when I'm up and not down. I also do the stupid bargaining thing. It's a trap that I fall into often, the all-or-nothing thinking. Either I'm spot on perfect, or I'm unhinged. I feel really fucking proud when I eat a cupcake at work and don't fall face first into crappy food the remainder of the night. I'm working on it.

 

[kirstabelle]

Shit seriouly? PM me your provider!!! I was insuring mysel for loss of earnings, death and permanent disablement...ths was through a broker as well. Feck......

To be fair mine was Death cover only. Liverpool Victoria - give them a shot.

 

[Terri]

Kirmy I am relatively new here but have liked every post of yours that I have read. I am still pre-op but believe we all have some kind of eating disorder or we wouldn't have gotten to the place where we need the DS in the first place. Someone earlier kinda of compared us to alcoholics saying we needed "AA" meetings. That is so true. We have to realize we have a problem first. Then we spend the rest of our lives fighting our addiction. Just like people with drinking problems once they have that first drink they tend to go on a binge, we are the same way once we have a bite of the high carb, sugary food we tend to binge. You are definitely headed in the right direction. As morbidly obese individuals our weight has never been something we have been in control of so once we get to the place where we can it makes sense that we are going to test that control in both directions.

 

[Whit]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am so fearful of the bounce back. Basically that it will keep going. I failed once with RNY why should this work? I attribute my weight loss to the rough start I had in DS land. But how long will that hold out? If anything I do not eat enough enough. I just do not have the room.

Prior to DS I loved to drink. I could and did drink a bottle of wine most nights. Now it is just to acidic. But will that be enough (lack of drinking) to keep my weight in check? I have no clue. I like where I am now but do not exercise beyond 2-3 long brisk walks with my pooches. My head says build muscle but I am not listening... why should I? I'm skinny and a lazy idiot.

I need to WAKE up....

 

[Sheanie]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am so fearful of the bounce back. Basically that it will keep going. I failed once with RNY why should this work? I attribute my weight loss to the rough start I had in DS land. But how long will that hold out? If anything I do not eat enough enough. I just do not have the room.

Prior to DS I loved to drink. I could and did drink a bottle of wine most nights. Now it is just to acidic. But will that be enough (lack of drinking) to keep my weight in check? I have no clue. I like where I am now but do not exercise beyond 2-3 long brisk walks with my pooches. My head says build muscle but I am not listening... why should I? I'm skinny and a lazy idiot.

I need to WAKE up....

Hey, Whit. Do SOMETHING with your thigh muscles, at the very least. I didn't for the first year, and I got amazingly weak in the knees. Muscle wasting is serious. I'm the one who NEVER exercises, ever. Period. But I do have 17 steps in my house and another 6 to get in it. I do the stairs (two of them in the house) in an endless circle throughout the day, probably over 25 trips total. When I don't, I crave carbs uncontrollably. Bad carbs, like cake with frosting, cookies, cinnamon rolls. Things that would cause both dogs to run away with their sad ears on.

 

[Munchkin]

No matter what you choose to discuss I am always impressed by your use of the language and your eloquence in a down to earth sort of way. And I live vicariously through your food posts as well. I imagine you would be a great person to know IRL.

I'm sorry your free ride has ended. But I'm also jealous for what you had. I never had an instant of free ride and I probably wanted it more than most! After a lifetime of being too fat, it's natural to want to be thin. And you can never be too rich or too thin, right? How many years was that sort of shite drummed into your brain? I'm not so sure you are disordered. More like a product of the society you live in. A disordered society. And if everyone is disordered, that makes you normal. How many women do you know who don't want to lose weight?

For the 10 minutes I had myself starved into a US 6 jeans that were almost bursting at the seams, I won't deny I was lusting after a 4. And muffin top...forget that, I had the whole meatloaf pouring out over the top of those jeans. I have never for an instant of my life had even a decent body. I cover it up and camouflage it the best I can but I know the nightmare under the clothes all too well. But I keep trying to fight my way back into those jeans.

Some things are more important than the number on your jeans. Like being happy and healthy. Try to find the balance and perspective that will let you enjoy and love the life you have! There will always be parts of life that suck. And it's never wrong to want to be better and improve yourself. But don't let the sucky bits poison the amazing person living inside that body. Try to see yourself the way others do!

 

[bearmom]

Hmm. I'm glad you put this out there. You have posted something before about weight lifting that had me wondering if you had some of the same issues, and your weight lifting may not be the same as for me, but it's something to consider.

I thought all was well since I'd lost a ton of weight. I am NOT overly skinny, and I don't obsess about eating. I had not acknowledged there was an issue until my doctor said it to me. Exercise anorexia. I know she's right.

I don't starve myself anymore, but lifting weights, hiking, biking, skiing, boarding - I can't justify doing anything in free time unless it burns calories or makes me "fitter". Going on an annual holiday can only be done if I am burning energy with non-stop activities. Any day off has to be spent exerting energy, and that is on top of scheduled trips to the gym. I often do the work myself on houses and have been choosing the things what I can exert the most energy, then hiring out the other stuff. I just spent part of the day carrying 70 pound bundles of roofing up a ladder onto a roof rather then planting some stuff in the yard. I adore gardening, and no sane person likes roofing especially in the rain, so this is clearly fucked up.

I think I was genuinely trying to maintain muscle mass post op, but many years ago (like teens and 20's) it was clearly my form of anorexia, and is again now.

My fiance tells me to stop trying to go back to "skinny" that I'm normal and healthier now, but the mind fuck is always there. Normal BMI is not good enough. My mental mantra is "I have been skinnier, so must go back to that, and how can this be unhealthy since I'm not starving myself and doing non-stop healthy things".

I'm curious, are any of the fitness activities part of something similar for you, or just trying to maintain muscle mass?

 

[Lori]

Kirmy- you could be rich. Start a blog or something. I would so subscribe! And thanks for the very eye-opening post. I'm only 12 days out, but 5 years will come soon enough.

 

[kirmy]

To be fair mine was Death cover only. Liverpool Victoria - give them a shot.

Cheers will do. x

 

[kirmy]

Kirmy I am relatively new here but have liked every post of yours that I have read. I am still pre-op but believe we all have some kind of eating disorder or we wouldn't have gotten to the place where we need the DS in the first place. Someone earlier kinda of compared us to alcoholics saying we needed "AA" meetings. That is so true. We have to realize we have a problem first. Then we spend the rest of our lives fighting our addiction. Just like people with drinking problems once they have that first drink they tend to go on a binge, we are the same way once we have a bite of the high carb, sugary food we tend to binge. You are definitely headed in the right direction. As morbidly obese individuals our weight has never been something we have been in control of so once we get to the place where we can it makes sense that we are going to test that control in both directions.

This is an amazing response and utterly bang on the money. I'm precoscious! Anyway I decided to weight myself last night after a T25 class and I have lost 6lbs over a week by not eating sugary processed carbs. I believe 99% of that was water from inflammation as I'm terribly gluten intolerant and I've been eating gluten until recently. I'm trying to not place emphasis on weight loss because I know I'm not overweight but I do kick the tyres. It is exhausting having this internal dialouge all of the damn time.

 

[kirmy]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am so fearful of the bounce back. Basically that it will keep going. I failed once with RNY why should this work? I attribute my weight loss to the rough start I had in DS land. But how long will that hold out? If anything I do not eat enough enough. I just do not have the room.

Prior to DS I loved to drink. I could and did drink a bottle of wine most nights. Now it is just to acidic. But will that be enough (lack of drinking) to keep my weight in check? I have no clue. I like where I am now but do not exercise beyond 2-3 long brisk walks with my pooches. My head says build muscle but I am not listening... why should I? I'm skinny and a lazy idiot.

I need to WAKE up....

You need to build muscle and do imapact exercise or your going to piss away your bone density in your vertibrae. Get moving you lazy fecker.

 

[kirmy]

No matter what you choose to discuss I am always impressed by your use of the language and your eloquence in a down to earth sort of way. And I live vicariously through your food posts as well. I imagine you would be a great person to know IRL.

I'm sorry your free ride has ended. But I'm also jealous for what you had. I never had an instant of free ride and I probably wanted it more than most! After a lifetime of being too fat, it's natural to want to be thin. And you can never be too rich or too thin, right? How many years was that sort of shite drummed into your brain? I'm not so sure you are disordered. More like a product of the society you live in. A disordered society. And if everyone is disordered, that makes you normal. How many women do you know who don't want to lose weight?

For the 10 minutes I had myself starved into a US 6 jeans that were almost bursting at the seams, I won't deny I was lusting after a 4. And muffin top...forget that, I had the whole meatloaf pouring out over the top of those jeans. I have never for an instant of my life had even a decent body. I cover it up and camouflage it the best I can but I know the nightmare under the clothes all too well. But I keep trying to fight my way back into those jeans.

Some things are more important than the number on your jeans. Like being happy and healthy. Try to find the balance and perspective that will let you enjoy and love the life you have! There will always be parts of life that suck. And it's never wrong to want to be better and improve yourself. But don't let the sucky bits poison the amazing person living inside that body. Try to see yourself the way others do!

Honey I'm sorry if any of this is salt into open wounds. For anyone reading this I humbly apologise if I'm whinging and you're struggling with being overweight to begin with. I don't want to glorify my situation or indeed paint a picutre that elevates me on any level. This is my struggle only. From the replies here and from you I see that this is our struggle.

I have so much carnage going on under my clothes that surgery to remove the skin would turn me into the Bride of Frankenstein. I have been seriously thinking about it but shelved it recently. I realised it was me trying to be skinnier rather than healthier. I put the breaks on.

I am mostly very contented. My life has taken such a massive upswing that I pinch myself daily and wonder how I got here. It is all good except for that little determined voice asking me to be so tiny that I'm almost not there at all. I do try to accept the gracious words of loving people but it is sometimes hard when I diminsh myself. Today though...I'm feeling the love from you. Thank you my little puff of fairy dust. You matter...indeed you do. xx