I'm on a diet...and I never dreamed it would come to this.

[DianaCox]

Dieting = hunger and deprivation. Sticking to a food plan = making accountable choices to achieve satiety (and health).

Yes, it is not free-feeding, ad lib. But we have a medical condition that makes that inappropriate anyway. And for that matter, even normies can't do that.

PS: I talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I'm compliant with my protein, but need to cut the carbs. Because my brain still sees cutting carbs as deprivation and refuses to comply.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Oh Kirmy, even in the worst of times, you are funny as hell.

I wish you well. I could see this happening to me IF I ever get to skinnyland....I mean, I would be the skinniest of ANYONE, EVER in my family and that has ego bloat written allll over it.

I know I will have to diet. I have diagnosed and boneafied binge eating disorder. My sleeve helped, but did not cure it. I be skurred.

I think you have done fab Kirmy, you look great and healthy and a 6-8.....thats like a 4-6 in the USA...friggen heck!

 

[southernlady]

I'm trying to sort my head out. I have a conversation with myself that goes like this: "will eating this hurt me" ...if it's a yes I'll walk away quickly and if it's a no then it's open season.

I was doing that yesterday at the grocery store..at one point, just WALKING down one of the aisle's...I felt like I gained weight and didn't touch anything on that aisle!

 

[Jo777]

Great thoughts, and thanks for putting these out there. Obviously I didn't get to my high weight w/o some hinky eating patterns either.. big brain dump here, sorry to hijack into my own little wonkyness on your post..

Your post resonated with me (deeply, to be honest.) As I'm nearly 5'7" (if I keep my posture up) and I hit a low of 133-134.. it was horrible. My chest was non-existent and the ribs up my sternum were visible, and felt repulsive to me. I wouldn't even touch myself in bed since I felt like a xylophone.. but.. I wanted to stay there, and all I saw was the belly that was still below, which at that point was skin that wouldn't go away even if I dropped another 10.

I stopped being strict at that point, got up to the mid/high 140's.. felt better, but then started wanting very badly to get back down as I didn't like that my jeans got snug again (but I looked better, and felt better).. thus started restricting again (with the aid of some very triggering posts from elsewhere, which now I've come to see as someone very, very disordered, that thinks crash dieting every few months and swings from one extreme to another is a good thing.. something that was dormant for me for many years woke up again) and at this point out, the restricting came with the opposite effect.. swings from one to another extreme again.

I needed/need to quit this, it was making me insane. A few months ago I stopped weighing everyday (and stopped posting in the daily wt threads/reading the encouraging posts to drop back to 600-800 cals a day for someone years po!) and stopped tracking my foods/cals etc. I now only track my behaviors. If I don't eat in a disordered way, I tend to maintain easily and my head feels so much better. My body seems to like my current weight (once a month, and only once a month I check.) BUT I am still fighting the urge to drop 10 as my jeans are snug, I don't like my belly.. WTF? I look like a normal woman, I wear jeans in the 8 range, sometimes 10.. I have collarbones and a shadow of a rib or two in the right light.. so WHY when I lose a little, start looking better to me, I now swing the opposite way and immediately bash the progress with a few days of bad choices.. never satisfied I guess. I don't want to be skinny again, but I can't stop chasing that extra 7lbs.. normal, not sure? Just trying to walk the line of eating well, thinking well, and especially not panicking on either end of the spectrum.. I really hope your exp with the program works well for you, if your guts have been happier- that's a great place to be.

 

[kirmy]

yes, good post. I fight the disordered eating but in a less dramatic way...ok, I'm dull in fact.

on my VSG honeymoon I went down to 129 and it felt...bizarre. not "normal". apparently normal is chubby.

I have no idea what you should be doing but wish you the best and I love reading your posts - you should write a book. srsly!

I want to write. I want to be Stephen King but with straighter teeth.

 

[kirmy]

Dieting = hunger and deprivation. Sticking to a food plan = making accountable choices to achieve satiety (and health).

Yes, it is not free-feeding, ad lib. But we have a medical condition that makes that inappropriate anyway. And for that matter, even normies can't do that.

PS: I talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I'm compliant with my protein, but need to cut the carbs. Because my brain still sees cutting carbs as deprivation and refuses to comply.

Yeh for me it has been about deprivation then massive weight re-gain. The difference this time is it isn't for weight....and part of me knows that was a bit dishonest cause any loss would make me feel smug. I really am trying to learn healthy behaviours with my unhealthy bain. The thing is before when I ate like a maddie I got fat...now I get ill and chubby. I alo make everyone else ill in a 10meter radius. It's time for the big girl panties to go on. I've gotta grow the fuck up.

 

[kirmy]

Oh Kirmy, even in the worst of times, you are funny as hell.

I wish you well. I could see this happening to me IF I ever get to skinnyland....I mean, I would be the skinniest of ANYONE, EVER in my family and that has ego bloat written allll over it.

I know I will have to diet. I have diagnosed and boneafied binge eating disorder. My sleeve helped, but did not cure it. I be skurred.

I think you have done fab Kirmy, you look great and healthy and a 6-8.....thats like a 4-6 in the USA...friggen heck!

I was the on who KNEW I'd never make te DS work and I'd stay fat. I was DETINED TO FAILLLLLL! Nope....it was stronger han me that is for sure. I alo hd a terrible start to m DS so maybe that has something o do wit e bigg 100% weiht loss thang...you may be the same. My jeans are a UK 10 or 8 depending on the way the wind blows...and by wind I a referring to my gut. I'm translating into Amricanese for te punters.

 

[kirmy]

destined you feck'n shit keyboard

 

[kirmy]

I was doing that yesterday at the grocery store..at one point, just WALKING down one of the aisle's...I felt like I gained weight and didn't touch anything on that aisle!

I want to roll naked in fresh pasteries FFS! I totally get this...it is almost guilt by association.

 

[kirmy]

Great thoughts, and thanks for putting these out there. Obviously I didn't get to my high weight w/o some hinky eating patterns either.. big brain dump here, sorry to hijack into my own little wonkyness on your post..

Your post resonated with me (deeply, to be honest.) As I'm nearly 5'7" (if I keep my posture up) and I hit a low of 133-134.. it was horrible. My chest was non-existent and the ribs up my sternum were visible, and felt repulsive to me. I wouldn't even touch myself in bed since I felt like a xylophone.. but.. I wanted to stay there, and all I saw was the belly that was still below, which at that point was skin that wouldn't go away even if I dropped another 10.

I stopped being strict at that point, got up to the mid/high 140's.. felt better, but then started wanting very badly to get back down as I didn't like that my jeans got snug again (but I looked better, and felt better).. thus started restricting again (with the aid of some very triggering posts from elsewhere, which now I've come to see as someone very, very disordered, that thinks crash dieting every few months and swings from one extreme to another is a good thing.. something that was dormant for me for many years woke up again) and at this point out, the restricting came with the opposite effect.. swings from one to another extreme again.

I needed/need to quit this, it was making me insane. A few months ago I stopped weighing everyday (and stopped posting in the daily wt threads/reading the encouraging posts to drop back to 600-800 cals a day for someone years po!) and stopped tracking my foods/cals etc. I now only track my behaviors. If I don't eat in a disordered way, I tend to maintain easily and my head feels so much better. My body seems to like my current weight (once a month, and only once a month I check.) BUT I am still fighting the urge to drop 10 as my jeans are snug, I don't like my belly.. WTF? I look like a normal woman, I wear jeans in the 8 range, sometimes 10.. I have collarbones and a shadow of a rib or two in the right light.. so WHY when I lose a little, start looking better to me, I now swing the opposite way and immediately bash the progress with a few days of bad choices.. never satisfied I guess. I don't want to be skinny again, but I can't stop chasing that extra 7lbs.. normal, not sure? Just trying to walk the line of eating well, thinking well, and especially not panicking on either end of the spectrum.. I really hope your exp with the program works well for you, if your guts have been happier- that's a great place to be.

I relate. I stopped weighing daily about two months ago. I tried to be more compliant but fucked it up most nigts trawling for sugar an carby goodness. I looked fucking awful at that weight but felt something was wrong whn my flat breasts filled out again ad when my hip bones stopped bruisng due to running into furniture. I was concave. Why do I want to still be concave? I'm mad.

 

[hilary1617]

Kirmy, first, thanks for your honesty and openness- your story resonates with many. No food advice here - for no good reason I ate some oatmeal this morning that will likely have its way with me shortly.

That said, I'm hoping this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I'd like to give your inner voice a spanking and tell her, "STOP PICKING ON KIRMY! SHE IS *PERFECT* IN ANY FORM! Please look after her health and happiness and pay no nevermind to how her jeans fit."

I just wish you could see you as others do (the ones that count - those that love you)! You are beautiful inside and out and have been all along. You were beautiful at your maximum weight and lowest weight and everywhere in between. That is all.

 

[Jo777]

With the not weighing, are you feeling a little less panicked/mad?
It seems to help keep my head in the game of allowing my body to find a comfortable settling spot. Yes, I will likely always still bitch & moan and want my hipbones to stick out a bit.. but at least if I decide to go off the rails and eat the croissants from Rene's followed by deep fried cheese and beer, I did it because I wanted it.. not because I wanted it and the scale a. was up, therefore I might as well Fuck It All, or b. it was down, so I Can Handle This.. either is putting the responsibility elsewhere from my own. I may use the fit of my jeans now, or the swelling of my ankles, but at least it isn't tied to a pound or two swing..

 

[kirstabelle]

I was quoted £500 a mont for life insurane post op. This is utterlyout othe ball prk for me on every level. After 5 years there is no requirement for me to declare tis so I'm able to pay normal person premiums which are around £90 a mont fr comprehensive cover. Biiiiig difference!

I'm trying to sort my head out. I have a conversation with myself that goes like this: "will eating this hurt me" ...if it's a yes I'll walk away quickly and if it's a no then it's open season. I haven't stunk the sick bay out or woken up to the smell of death for three nights so far. I don't feel as if I'm going or burst either butI'm still bloatin which may require a trip down metronidazole alley. I did this to myself.

Good on you - my battle at the moment in my head is caring that 'eating this will hurt me'.

Are you insuring yourself for billions? Mine was £12 a month with a £9 premium for the DS!

 

[kirmy]

Good on you - my battle at the moment in my head is caring that 'eating this will hurt me'.

Are you insuring yourself for billions? Mine was £12 a month with a £9 premium for the DS!

Shit seriouly? PM me your provider!!! I was insuring mysel for loss of earnings, death and permanent disablement...ths was through a broker as well. Feck......

 

[newanatomy]

This post works at all stages of the DS. We all have to fight the demons. Thanks, as always, for sharing!