Do you evangalize?

[Brandy]

I was at the mall yesterday and saw a very heavy teenager. She was hanging out with her two skinny friends and they were buying clothes while the fat chick was joking around. When I was her age I used to think if I couldn't be pretty, I had better be funny. Also, when I was her age WLS was not the same thing as it is now. I started thinking of the odds of anybody losing large amounts of weight by themselves and I wanted to reach out to her.

I wanted to tell her to get the surgery done now while she heals more quickly. While she was on her parents insurance and didn't have to worry about making a living. To fix things so she didn't have to graduate from high school or college (or whatever) not being considered normal and pretty. And I know that is a really mean take on things, but I don't think any really fat person thinks that all other things being equal, life is easier on them.

I didn't say anything to her. I wasn't sure how to approach or what words to say. I didn't want to hurt her, especially since she had obviously reminded me of myself and it was my issues that were in my mind. Although I think there was enough compassion to see me through. But I do wonder, do you guys evangelize the surgery to strangers in person? What words have you found that worked?

Thanks!

 

[southernlady]

You don't....not unless the opening happens.

Sometimes you get lucky in talking to a friend or someone who ALREADY knows you had the surgery and others might overhear (but don't be obvious).

But we EACH have to come to this our own way and time.

I have a BFF whose two daughters are severely obese...they know I had surgery, they even have seen what I eat. But talking about it to them...I do not do. When I was researching, I did show them stuff I found to help them understand what *I* was doing but never mentioned them doing it. (both are adults now). IF they ever ask, I will help them find the information but otherwise I keep my trap shut...as BAD as I want to shout it to everyone I see, I don't

 

[brooklyngirl]

Noooooo!!!!! No matter how well intentioned you are, it will be hurtful. If I am already in a conversation with someone, I might find a way to bring up that *I* had WLS, giving them the opportunity to ask questions if they so choose, but it's too rude and heartless to put someone on the spot like that. Those are the things that stick with people and hurt forever. A few years ago, a coworker told me that a few other coworkers (work friends, not JUST coworkers) were talking about an intervention for me. I was so hurt and ANGRY that I distanced myself from them for a while, one in particular was permanent. They had good intentions, but my feelings were that it was NONE OF THEIR FUCKING BUSINESS. I could've probably taught a class on diet and exercise, but I couldn't drop weight with it or stick to it long enough to make a real difference, so I didn't need their little speeches.

At a similar point in time, a stranger congratulated me on my "little miracle". I was not pregnant. She had good intentions, wasn't trying to be hurtful, but it was nonetheless, and I will NEVER forget the humiliation I felt at that moment.

I think most, if not all, of us want to spread the word, sing from the mountaintops even. We want to help the people we see ourselves in, but those are usually our own hurts, from years or a lifetime of being MO, that we are projecting. They probably feel the same, but it's just not our place.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I think we all know people we'd like to bring to WLS, probably the DS specifically. but you can't just bring it up.

all I do is try to make sure people know I've had WLS in case they want to talk about it. and I speak up when BS like "they all end up with malnutrition" comes up, which it does - even among health care professionals!

 

[Terri]

That is one reason I have not kept my WLS a secret. I want anyone that I know to see how open I am about it. That way if they have questions they would feel comfortable asking me.

It does hurt me when I see young people that are MO. I know I would have much rather had surgery at 20 instead of 46. I do know that I would have been hurt, embarrassed and probably most of all pissed off if someone had approached me, especially a stranger.

 

[Sheanie]

I keep both my driver's licenses on me. When I am asked to show my ID, I usually pull my new one out. If I feel like evangelizing, I will pull them both out. If it comes up on conversation (restaurant, doctor's, bra fitting, on vacation) I will only reveal I had WLS. If they ask for more, I give more. When they are not genuine, I shut the hell up. And if they are just jealous Lookie Lous, I cut them off at the knees.

 

[Sheanie]

I found out about my surgeon at a Knit Night, when I was at my highest weight. My good friend pulled ME aside and told me how she lost 150 pounds. I will be forever thankful that Betty told me. I would still be fat today if not for her.

So, yes, I would find a way to let someone know. Not someone in a mall. Someone I knew, sure.

 

[DianaCox]

Newp, you can't. I've heard it over and over and over again. You cannot, should not, MUST NOT do it. I tried it once, at a professional hockey game - and the rebuff was stinging, not only to me, but I could see the hurt in her eyes even though she was as matter-of-fact as possible ("I can't have surgery, I'm too high risk").

Reminds me of this:

 

[JackieOnLine]

ha, good graphic. I suppose they could have had the last one with the baby's head coming out...nah, still no!

 

[DianaCox]

 

[Spiky Bugger]

If I can work it in, in a way that makes sense.

Talking about replastering the pool. Quite MO salesman. Mentioned that with years of morbid obesity, I had done in my knees and really wanted to get in the pool every day because that exercise is what my doctors want. He said I didn't look MO to him...I said that 120 pounds ago, I was. But that I had a surgery that no one has ever heard of blah, blah, blah...

Otoh, there was no need to mention it to the concrete guy who was MO. I don't think he would have listened and there was mo way to work it in anyway.

So...I will mention it once in a while, but it has to fit onto the ongoing conversation.

 

[more2adore]

Yeah, please don't. I still remember the face of the woman I had never met who cornered me in the elevator at work to tell me all about how her RNY changed her life. It was not even a month after a friend of mine had died from complications of the RNY. I was also undergoing eating disorder therapy at the time, and had just lost 75 pounds, and it set me back quite a while in my eating disorder treatment. I thought "Geez, I've lost 75 pounds, but this lady knows nothing about me and is STILL pressuring a complete stranger to have surgery. It doesn't matter what I do, or how I do it, I will always, ALWAYS be too fat for other people." In fact, I almost gave up on eating disorder therapy, on weight loss, on the whole kit and caboodle. I wasn't mentally ready for surgery at that point and to have it suggested to me by a complete stranger was just... ugh. You never know where someone else is in their journey, so please don't chance it. You never know what the consequences might be to the other person even though your intentions are good.

 

[Brandy]

Perhaps I am feeling a little over sensitive myself here, but I would like to point out that I asked if YOU did this. If YOU had found the right words to make this OK. Most of the replies here start out with the assumption that I asked if I could do this, which is beyond silly. I am extremely shy. There have been only a few times in my life I've approached a stranger to ask them the time, much less something like the above. I probably should have just let this pass, but the assumption is so out of character about me that it was just impossible to let lie.

 

[more2adore]

Brandy, this part made it very much sound like you wanted to do it and were asking what had worked for other people, if they did it:

I didn't want to hurt her, especially since she had obviously reminded me of myself and it was my issues that were in my mind. Although I think there was enough compassion to see me through. But I do wonder, do you guys evangelize the surgery to strangers in person? What words have you found that worked?

Either way, my response wasn't really directed specifically at you, but at ANYONE considering evangelizing to strangers, since that was the topic, and I think that was probably true of most people responding in this thread.

 

[DianaCox]

You asked if we evangelized. You recited a case in which you more than hinted at wanting to be provided words to do it yourself. And you said: "do you guys evangelize the surgery to strangers in person? What words have you found that worked?" Sure as shit sounds like you were asking for a way to say it yourself.

DO NOT get butthurt about being misunderstood in the innerwebz, especially when you are substantially the cause of the misunderstanding.