girlrocker
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2014
- Messages
- 68
Well, it's actually a little tardy, my anniversary date is December 15, but I was steeped in work crazy at the time before our holiday break.
I am very focused on my life as it is now, it amazes me to be at a goal weight I thought I'd never live to see, and the lightness in my head and spirit it has brought. It's a syngery I've sought for a long time and have at last.
For newbies, pre-ops reading, I like to incorporate my history as well so you have an idea of the 'big picture'.
I really can't believe I can say 2 years; to quote the cliche, it seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago. My one-time high of 315 was in the 90s; I couldn't get/stay under 200 lbs with my RNY, and I was diligent about my eating, really worked on not just the food but what drove me to it. Dedicated to rewriting patterns, lot of therapy, depression/panic/anxiety meds. I had become devoted to exercise since I was 30, even doing bootcamp for a year (four years ago) when my weight was climbing, again. Got to 180s again, and as soon as I stopped, resumed regular workouts? Back to 240. Completely despondent and hopeless. That's when I looked into a revision and found my surgeon, Dr. K, and a support community after being without one for five years. Dr. K helped me finally take myself off the hook of blame and failure.
Today I hover between 155-160; I have been eating like crazy during the holidays, and up about 4-5 lbs. Already going down as I resume normal eating, anchored by protein and fat, modest carbs.
I have been through the first round of NSVs during my first time at the rodeo and the diets before it - fitting into seats, making it up flights of stairs, getting picked up physically by a guy (grabbed by the hips to help me sit on a car hood), having someone offer to carry my luggage. All pretty amazing, I remember ever single one.
And now? It's not rainbows and unicorns, it's a process, I have had a lot of mess to clean up from my non-profit work/creative life days where I worked hard yes for no money for nearly 20 years, raised millions, sunk myself into debt. But it also never occurred to me to put myself on the priority list. No one would guess I had low self esteem or that I struggled financially because I was so productive, raised millions, did a lot of very high profile, interesting work, events, many including famous people.
Moving to LA was a step toward rebuilding a better, more secure life for myself; make a better living while still pursuing my work of passion (non profit, working for a musician as a publicist, etc). I landed a job within 3 nonths at a major motion picture studio, have the salary, the benefits, a 401k for the first time. And now time to move on, the job has run its course (and I have a toxic boss) I've done great in 7 years, and I have to forget others' timelines, expectations, and focus on mine. I started over in my mid 40s and now I'm 52. And who would have ever thunk after a lifetime in Chicago I'd live year round in a temperate climate where I can't hide in layers of clothes?!
It's hard at times, a lof of family dysfunction, a lot of change/transition, a lot of loss and maddening to still struggle so much financially, and it's just me, no kids to worry about except for my adorable puppitos. I agree with my advice that there's no time limit on a quality of life, but it's also true we're just not always as resilient as we were when younger. As I've said often, its why I am so glad to see younger people having surgery, a proactive step to spare so much more physical and emotional damage.
What amazes me is that I have a whole new round of firsts to experience! The ease, the simplicity that being a healthy weight brings me, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually because I'm no longer consumed with trying to lose weight, what I'm going to try next. And I'm not afraid. I'm adventerous, giddy, spontaneous. I love dressing myself, found out getting into costume is fun, I go on overnights and get aways, all kinds of events no holds barred because I'm not ashamed or worried about how I can figure out something to put on my body; and my bucket list is ever growing and expanding.
I have mourned the loss of time and years to obesity, especially right after my revision, I cried for about three weeks. I'd never had surgery before my RNY at 40 and then I had three in one year (complications, second surgery, hernia). Now the revision and another hernia, and drum roll, looks like hernia number 3. This time I WILL get a tummy tuck. More on that later. But both times I was in that place where I was ready to do WHATEVER it was going to take to adapt. So it's not that this hasn't been physically and emotionally challenging, weird, gross, icky, etc. It has. But I took the advice of my angel/mentor the first time and submerged into my recovery, embraced the forward change, not what I was losing, giving up. And it's what I share with every pre-op, newbie I talk/post to, meet.
I'm also able to focus on now. I know I am reaping the benefit of the hard work I've done over the years, all the effort to rewriting my bad patterns. For people to tell me they see a change, that they see the peace and calm is one of my greatest achievements. I am still a food junkie, my compulsive/addictive/emotional tendencies haven't gone anywhere. They don't disappear, any more than alcohol/drug addiction is cured. But because we have to live with our devil, not abstain (for those of us like me that is) learning to eat protein first, discovering delicious starchy and sweet carb alternatives, eating smaller and more frequently has been key into neutralizing that. Great tools and now I have the right surgery to take me the distance. Oh yes and I have mentioned lots of therapy
I finally see what others see, I am truly comfortable in my skin, had no idea this was possible. I have made a life for myself in my adopted home of California, great friends, launched my own music salon series, thrive on the west coast and all it has to offer, pretty different for this die hard Chicago city girl. I actually work bi-coastal with many creative projects (publicist for a band, raising money for a documentary, etc) that bring me to my native city regularly.
I'm still hoping for those other things on my checklist - THE job, the guy, but I'm living a life that's one constant NSV and it's about the coolest thing imaginable.
280 post op RNY in 2002
240 regain from one-time low of 180s, sitting at 195-200
Today, my 2013 holiday pic, living in Los Angeles for 7 years after my whole life in Chicago; that's my mustang convertible
I am very focused on my life as it is now, it amazes me to be at a goal weight I thought I'd never live to see, and the lightness in my head and spirit it has brought. It's a syngery I've sought for a long time and have at last.
For newbies, pre-ops reading, I like to incorporate my history as well so you have an idea of the 'big picture'.
I really can't believe I can say 2 years; to quote the cliche, it seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago. My one-time high of 315 was in the 90s; I couldn't get/stay under 200 lbs with my RNY, and I was diligent about my eating, really worked on not just the food but what drove me to it. Dedicated to rewriting patterns, lot of therapy, depression/panic/anxiety meds. I had become devoted to exercise since I was 30, even doing bootcamp for a year (four years ago) when my weight was climbing, again. Got to 180s again, and as soon as I stopped, resumed regular workouts? Back to 240. Completely despondent and hopeless. That's when I looked into a revision and found my surgeon, Dr. K, and a support community after being without one for five years. Dr. K helped me finally take myself off the hook of blame and failure.
Today I hover between 155-160; I have been eating like crazy during the holidays, and up about 4-5 lbs. Already going down as I resume normal eating, anchored by protein and fat, modest carbs.
I have been through the first round of NSVs during my first time at the rodeo and the diets before it - fitting into seats, making it up flights of stairs, getting picked up physically by a guy (grabbed by the hips to help me sit on a car hood), having someone offer to carry my luggage. All pretty amazing, I remember ever single one.
And now? It's not rainbows and unicorns, it's a process, I have had a lot of mess to clean up from my non-profit work/creative life days where I worked hard yes for no money for nearly 20 years, raised millions, sunk myself into debt. But it also never occurred to me to put myself on the priority list. No one would guess I had low self esteem or that I struggled financially because I was so productive, raised millions, did a lot of very high profile, interesting work, events, many including famous people.
Moving to LA was a step toward rebuilding a better, more secure life for myself; make a better living while still pursuing my work of passion (non profit, working for a musician as a publicist, etc). I landed a job within 3 nonths at a major motion picture studio, have the salary, the benefits, a 401k for the first time. And now time to move on, the job has run its course (and I have a toxic boss) I've done great in 7 years, and I have to forget others' timelines, expectations, and focus on mine. I started over in my mid 40s and now I'm 52. And who would have ever thunk after a lifetime in Chicago I'd live year round in a temperate climate where I can't hide in layers of clothes?!
It's hard at times, a lof of family dysfunction, a lot of change/transition, a lot of loss and maddening to still struggle so much financially, and it's just me, no kids to worry about except for my adorable puppitos. I agree with my advice that there's no time limit on a quality of life, but it's also true we're just not always as resilient as we were when younger. As I've said often, its why I am so glad to see younger people having surgery, a proactive step to spare so much more physical and emotional damage.
What amazes me is that I have a whole new round of firsts to experience! The ease, the simplicity that being a healthy weight brings me, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually because I'm no longer consumed with trying to lose weight, what I'm going to try next. And I'm not afraid. I'm adventerous, giddy, spontaneous. I love dressing myself, found out getting into costume is fun, I go on overnights and get aways, all kinds of events no holds barred because I'm not ashamed or worried about how I can figure out something to put on my body; and my bucket list is ever growing and expanding.
I have mourned the loss of time and years to obesity, especially right after my revision, I cried for about three weeks. I'd never had surgery before my RNY at 40 and then I had three in one year (complications, second surgery, hernia). Now the revision and another hernia, and drum roll, looks like hernia number 3. This time I WILL get a tummy tuck. More on that later. But both times I was in that place where I was ready to do WHATEVER it was going to take to adapt. So it's not that this hasn't been physically and emotionally challenging, weird, gross, icky, etc. It has. But I took the advice of my angel/mentor the first time and submerged into my recovery, embraced the forward change, not what I was losing, giving up. And it's what I share with every pre-op, newbie I talk/post to, meet.
I'm also able to focus on now. I know I am reaping the benefit of the hard work I've done over the years, all the effort to rewriting my bad patterns. For people to tell me they see a change, that they see the peace and calm is one of my greatest achievements. I am still a food junkie, my compulsive/addictive/emotional tendencies haven't gone anywhere. They don't disappear, any more than alcohol/drug addiction is cured. But because we have to live with our devil, not abstain (for those of us like me that is) learning to eat protein first, discovering delicious starchy and sweet carb alternatives, eating smaller and more frequently has been key into neutralizing that. Great tools and now I have the right surgery to take me the distance. Oh yes and I have mentioned lots of therapy
I finally see what others see, I am truly comfortable in my skin, had no idea this was possible. I have made a life for myself in my adopted home of California, great friends, launched my own music salon series, thrive on the west coast and all it has to offer, pretty different for this die hard Chicago city girl. I actually work bi-coastal with many creative projects (publicist for a band, raising money for a documentary, etc) that bring me to my native city regularly.
I'm still hoping for those other things on my checklist - THE job, the guy, but I'm living a life that's one constant NSV and it's about the coolest thing imaginable.
280 post op RNY in 2002
240 regain from one-time low of 180s, sitting at 195-200
Today, my 2013 holiday pic, living in Los Angeles for 7 years after my whole life in Chicago; that's my mustang convertible
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