kirmy
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2014
- Messages
- 748
I know all about fear. I'm intimate with the earth shaking terrors that you have no control over, the blind-sidings the what if's. I walk in those dark cold shadows. I wait on the unpredictability, the topsy-turviness of it all. I know the rug I stand on is merely an illusion, I know it can be pulled out from underneath me. I'm familiar with the fall. The natural arrogance of my youth is forever transformed by Cancer.
My lesson is this. I have no control. There is no deity, no fixed point on this horizon, there is no pre-destiny there just is. I may live well, I may die, I may be fucking majestic as I ride off into the sunset. Each day is a test of my resilience and my patience. Each day I get up and assess how I am. Some days I smile other days I cradle my head in my hands and wonder how to start. This too will pass. I will use my formidable strength and tenacity to push to wellness, whatever form this takes. I'll do it on my own terms. I will do it with love and acceptance too. This is the mark of courage. Nothing else, submitting not so much.
I have won another battle today. There is another battle next week with my next chemo, then another battle in a fortnight after that as I buck the medical opinion of my surgeon and look into a mastectomy. From here I move towards my check MRI. Has any of this worked so far? My Cancer is a pernicious little shit. Will I be one of the responsive ones or will I have metastasised already? Will I won't I? I know this much, I'm strong and I know how to live with fear. I know how to face it down even if it means looking at my own weakness and being with it.
The battle field is pock marked and strewn with bodies, I'm standing. I'm tired but I'm hard and I will fight until I cannot raise my arm again.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself....and once you've done that you own the world.
Oh and spiders....fear spiders...I'm not a monster ffs!
My lesson is this. I have no control. There is no deity, no fixed point on this horizon, there is no pre-destiny there just is. I may live well, I may die, I may be fucking majestic as I ride off into the sunset. Each day is a test of my resilience and my patience. Each day I get up and assess how I am. Some days I smile other days I cradle my head in my hands and wonder how to start. This too will pass. I will use my formidable strength and tenacity to push to wellness, whatever form this takes. I'll do it on my own terms. I will do it with love and acceptance too. This is the mark of courage. Nothing else, submitting not so much.
I have won another battle today. There is another battle next week with my next chemo, then another battle in a fortnight after that as I buck the medical opinion of my surgeon and look into a mastectomy. From here I move towards my check MRI. Has any of this worked so far? My Cancer is a pernicious little shit. Will I be one of the responsive ones or will I have metastasised already? Will I won't I? I know this much, I'm strong and I know how to live with fear. I know how to face it down even if it means looking at my own weakness and being with it.
The battle field is pock marked and strewn with bodies, I'm standing. I'm tired but I'm hard and I will fight until I cannot raise my arm again.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself....and once you've done that you own the world.
Oh and spiders....fear spiders...I'm not a monster ffs!
!
