Life with a hearing impaired partner...

[Spiky Bugger]

He was in the moderate-to-severe hearing loss range when diagnosed. But the loss was bad enough that he had to get hearing aids to keep his commercial drivers license, required for his job. It was always there, but has deteriorated over time. Now, when our security alarm goes off he can't hear it w/out his hearing aids. But daily life AARGH:

Me (looking for him, he's in his bathroom tending to psoriasis issues): Are you still in there?

Now, that CAN BE interpreted as a complaint, but I was just looking for him. Used "still" because that's where I last saw him and he often wanders outside w/out mentioning that he's leaving.

He starts "defending"--It takes a long time to put this crap on...

I interrupt--that wasn't a criticism, it was a question!

Him--But your tone of voice!

Me--I no longer have a "tone of voice " that your hearing aids can discern. I have an "old woman practically yelling at a mostly deaf guy voice.". If I don't yell, you can't hear me. You are confusing VOLUME for "tone of voice," which makes me the cranky old bitch who is always criticising you.

And it does. And it makes me sad that he thinks I'm always attacking him. Now I must attack him for blaming me, right?

 

[Larra]

So sorry you (and he) are going through this. My parents both had hearing loss and I remember a lot of "conversations" that went something like yours. Fortunately they were always able to let it go after they sorted out whatever they were talking about and not hold on to their frustration.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

So sorry you (and he) are going through this. My parents both had hearing loss and I remember a lot of "conversations" that went something like yours. Fortunately they were always able to let it go after they sorted out whatever they were talking about and not hold on to their frustration.

Thanks.

And for anyone just STARTING to deal with this:
1–If you are “into” pillow talk during intimate moments, set up some Barry White tunes on a bedside phone or mobile device. Or get used to “the strange sounds of silence.”
2--And if you are used to sneaking up and blowing lightly into his ear to get his attention, to him it will sound like an approaching 18-wheeler with air horn a-blazing. So don’t do that.

 

[Georgepds]

"And it makes me sad that he thinks I'm always attacking him. Now I must attack him for blaming me, right?".....

 

[Georgepds]

"And if you are used to sneaking up and blowing lightly into his ear to get his attention, to him it will sound like an approaching 18-wheeler with air horn a-blazing. So don’t do that."


A very bad idea if he's had self defense training. The learned response to a surprise rear attack is to pivot rapidly and deliver an elbow blow....

Says the guy who is always surprised by the rear attack, blow in the ear of an almost deaf guy indeed, why not just leave debris in the path of the almost blind

 

[Spiky Bugger]

"And if you are used to sneaking up and blowing lightly into his ear to get his attention, to him it will sound like an approaching 18-wheeler with air horn a-blazing. So don’t do that."


A very bad idea if he's had self defense training. The learned response to a surprise rear attack is to pivot rapidly and deliver an elbow blow....

Says the guy who is always surprised by the rear attack, blow in the ear of an almost deaf guy indeed, why not just leave debris in the path of the almost blind

He DOES that...to me! And usually asks why I didn’t just step over it.

 

[Georgepds]

Have you heard the phrase " a match made in heaven"

Look at the upside, it'll keep up your reaction times as you age, compared to those boring elder safe environments.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

He was in the moderate-to-severe hearing loss range when diagnosed. But the loss was bad enough that he had to get hearing aids to keep his commercial drivers license, required for his job. It was always there, but has deteriorated over time. Now, when our security alarm goes off he can't hear it w/out his hearing aids. But daily life AARGH:
This is my life, with his short term memory issues thrown in just for extra fun!
Me (looking for him, he's in his bathroom tending to psoriasis issues): Are you still in there?

Now, that CAN BE interpreted as a complaint, but I was just looking for him. Used "still" because that's where I last saw him and he often wanders outside w/out mentioning that he's leaving.

He starts "defending"--It takes a long time to put this crap on...

I interrupt--that wasn't a criticism, it was a question!

Him--But your tone of voice!

Me--I no longer have a "tone of voice " that your hearing aids can discern. I have an "old woman practically yelling at a mostly deaf guy voice.". If I don't yell, you can't hear me. You are confusing VOLUME for "tone of voice," which makes me the cranky old bitch who is always criticising you.

And it does. And it makes me sad that he thinks I'm always attacking him. Now I must attack him for blaming me, right?

 

[JackieOnLine]

awww, it's hard to get old.

 

[k9ophile]

You're singing to the choir and I hear you loud and clear. Yes, I said that intentionally. So far he hasn't gotten offended when I am the interpreter. Mine got better with a good ear cleaning.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

You're singing to the choir and I hear you loud and clear. Yes, I said that intentionally. So far he hasn't gotten offended when I am the interpreter. Mine got better with a good ear cleaning.

Today. Drywall guy drywalling, decides he needs two more sheets of drywall. I go online and order for curbside pickup. They will send a text message when the order is ready.

Me: Home Depot will text me when the order is ready.
Him: Okay. <turns around and goes outside>
…a little later…
Him: I think he’s ready to go to pick up the drywall now.
Me: The order isn’t ready yet.
Him: You SAID “the order is ready.”
Me: No, I said that THEY WOULD TEXT ME WHEN the order is ready.

For anyone NOT living with a hearing impaired partner…or anyone who is, and with all the togetherness is about to go over the edge…it is (as Beaver Cleaver would say) kinda sorta not their fault. Several studies have shown that the human brain goes on auto-pilot and fills in whatever it THINKS should be there when insufficient information is presented.

His brain knew I had placed an order…

I yelled at him. “I don’t get to pretend that MY disabilities don’t impact many aspects of our daily lives...why do you get to pretend? If you are not 100% sure that you actually heard every word, ask me to repeat what I said.” But given how the human brain entertains itself, he probably DOES think he heard every word.

Anyway, I ”banned” him from any business discussions unless I’m next to him. (Poor guy.)

 

[Larra]

He's not pretending. He really thinks he heard you. You already knew that, right?
My heart goes out to both of you.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

He's not pretending. He really thinks he heard you. You already knew that, right?
My heart goes out to both of you.

Yes...I knew it...but it IS confusing! Because he did, in fact, hear what I said. He just didn't hear EVERY WORD I said.

 

[hilary1617]

Yes...I knew it...but it IS confusing! Because he did, in fact, hear what I said. He just didn't hear EVERY WORD I said.

With my parents, both of whom have hearing impairments and one who also has cognitive issues, if there is any background noise I shift to use a modified sandwich approach to speaking. It helps message delivery without seeming patronizing.

1. Important fact
2. Supporting information, conjunction
3. Important fact phrased a bit differently.

e.g.

1. They will text me
2. when the order is available, so...
3. we should expect a text.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

Yes...I knew it...but it IS confusing! Because he did, in fact, hear what I said. He just didn't hear EVERY WORD I said.

I go through this exact same thing with Mr. Bill, and I tell him same thing, if you don’t get what I say, please, please tell me! Then you put his short-term memory issues on top of the hearing and it’s fun and games at our house! With his memory problems he seems to obsess on things. He gets something in his head he thinks needs to be done and he won’t calm down until he (meaning we, do it). Doesn’t matter if I’m up to my elbows in something in the kitchen! And IF he gets something lodged in his memory and it’s wrong (due to not hearing me or someone correctly) it is next to impossible to replace the wrong info with correct info, Such as the time of a doctors appointment. I might as well expect to tell hi I’m when he asks several times in an hours time.

He forgets to have his coffee some mornings because he thought he already had it! I laugh and tell him he must not need it too badly. He will eat leftovers and not realize they are leftovers, so that’s good. (He’s always gladly eaten leftovers though). It’s really frustrating, I try to have patience but it’s hard and when I do lose my cool it’s honestly not HIM I’m mad at it’s this condition that I’m mad at and what it’s doing to my guy!