Dealing with the fear - Yours, and Other People's

[hilary1617]

You are a bright, beautiful person and the world benefits from you being here. Not to be a huge downer, and I only mention this in the spirit of "tough love", but as SSMO and 35, it's not just trading off the low risk of death during the procedure against the high risk of early death and debilitating conditions "five or ten miserable years" from now. The surgical risk should also be weighed against a low, but certainly not-zero risk of death from obesity-related conditions in the short term. Hopefully you've been checked for sleep apnea and either don't have it or are being treated for it, but you are certainly at increased risk today for blood clots / stroke /p.e., reduced ability to recover if a serious injury occurs, etc....

In my case I had a DS it not just for me, but also so those I love wouldn't continue to worry about my limited future and so that I would be around for them. I definitely freaked out and was scared. That's only natural. But I knew in my heart it was the right decision.

My boss, husband, children and parents were supportive. My sister was a major road block - once I discovered her view wasn't helpful, I told her that the decision was mine, it was final and she was not to mention it to me again in the time before surgery. She persisted and I chose not to answer her calls until after surgery. I had to do what was best for me and I couldn't let her interfere.


Wishing you strength in this journey.

 

[brooklyngirl]

@more2adore I have been large almost my entire life. When I was really young it was baby fat, when I was a pre-teen I was chubby, as a teen I was fat and I only got bigger with time. I got up to 301 pounds when I joined weight watchers 9 1/2 years ago. I lost 75 pounds, felt amazing, and kept it off for about a week before it started to come back on. At first it was slow, then it was super fast. A cycle of depression over feeling like a failure and coping with food led me to gain it all back, plus over 100 more pounds. I toyed with the idea of surgery for a very long time, but I couldn't commit to it. Being diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" was a huge wake-up call for me and I got the ball rolling. It took me coming to the realization that I WAS DYING for me to be able to commit to having surgery. Not only could I not walk more than 50 feet without needing to sit down because my back and knees were a mess, not being able to climb a flight of stairs without dripping with sweat and being winded for 10 minutes, and therefore obsessing over every little aspect of life and how limited I was in EVERYTHING because of my size, but I was seconds away from being diabetic, had severe sleep apnea (that was never diagnosed until I had a sleep study to get cleared for surgery) and AFib. Once those things hit me, I got to a point where I wasn't even scared of surgery anymore because I felt my life couldn't possibly get worse. All I wanted to do was live again. I'm not saying that no one should be scared, I woke up after surgery thinking "holy hell, what the fuck did I get myself into!?!?!"
I was at a pretty high risk for surgery. Not only was I 436 pounds at the beginning, but because of my medical issues, surgery in general was dangerous.

My point in rambling is to say that I know that I wouldn't have lasted much longer on the path that I was on, and it's only a matter of time for someone that big before bad things start to happen. Yes, you can be overweight and healthy, but you cannot be SMO or SSMO and be healthy. You may be "healthy" today, but that won't last for long, and even if it did, would you want to live with the limitations you described in other threads for the rest of your life? I finally got sick of just existing and now I'm finally really LIVING. I'm sorry if my delivery sounded harsh, and I can tell you that my family was worried sick about my surgery, but they were also worried sick about me before I looked into surgery and they fully supported me getting healthy, even though the surgery was scary. If people don't support that (not saying your family doesn't/won't, this part goes for anyone) then they don't support you and don't need to be by your side on your journey through life. The people that stick by your side through the scary stuff are the ones who should matter most and the ones who don't don't deserve to be there for the good parts.

I will spare you my long winded update on what's going on in my life now, as I experience new NSVs everyday. I've been meaning to write my 1 year surgiversary update, but I've been so busy LIVING that I haven't had time to sit down and write it out!

 

[JackieOnLine]

you've gotten some great feedback, all I can add is I wish you the best in this. it's normal to have fear so that is just something to deal with; don't let it limit you.

 

[Brandy]

The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor. More like POINT 0.5%. Not only that you will not have any complications, but that even if you do they will be dealt with causing you little extra danger. My husband's heart stopped when he had his appendix out but they got it immediately restarted and he has never had a moments worry about it. Actually, it worked out pretty well for him. Instead of being sent home that afternoon to my meager nursing skills, they put him in a private room in the cushy cardiac wing and swarmed him with care.

If you have had surgery before, your odds of complications drop because they are less likely to be surprised by something like a bad reaction to adhesives. So, either you have even less to worry about or you are paying forward to lesson the risks of future surgeries. And who knows, perhaps you might be much weaker for those future surgeries. Best to pop your surgery cherry now.


But thinking about stuff like that isn't what helped me. It was posts like http://bariatricfacts.org/threads/life-is-amazing.1703. It was the idea that I was empowered and able to fix my life. I saw some random blog post about a post wls lady trying to get to "One hundred and sixty pounds by age sixty" and I realized I was younger than her but I had pretty much given up. I had no goals like that. I wasn't fighting the fat with any hope of actually winning. And that I didn't want to live that way any longer. DS Weight loss surgery gives you awesome odds to succeed at losing large amounts of your weight by changing all the rules so the battles are winnable. I am captain of my ship and I am taking my boat to a different ocean. It is the scream "I'm mad as hell and not going to take this any more" that shut up those fears for me. (At least 99.5% of the time.)

 

[more2adore]

Great post, Brandy. That "mad as hell" feeling - anger that I've limited my own life as long as I have and refusal to let that continue - is what made me decide it was finally the right time for WLS (and the RIGHT surgery, not just ANY surgery).

I've sort of had outpatient surgery before - I had my wisdom teeth out surgically around age 11 (before they came in) because they could already tell they were going to come in wrong. They put me under, and I had no bad reaction to the anesthetic or anything. So I guess that's good. Of course, that was like a quarter of a century ago, heh.

 

[kirmy]

Sometimes you need to be a warrior and take a leap into the void. Determination and persistence pay off.

Fear is complicated. We exist in the now with the rules and habits that nurture us but in time they cause harm. We mitigate this harm on so many levels to continue our self nurturing which keeps the cycle going. Fear is knowing that you have the power to abruptly stop the cycle. Make no mistake you're slamming the breaks on. Not being afraid is abnormal.

So other peoples fear is fine. You may stop being accessible, become prettier, more vivacious, you may stop empowering their issues. You may stop being someone else's crutch. You may stop being a doormat. You may stop being second best. You might stop fading into the background. You might stand up and be seen and heard. For the SSMO this is all real fears. Be aware that this is ahead of you.

Now a warrior isn't idle before battle. Check that you know your weapons and that they are sharp. Prepare and be focused. It's your life you're saving. Do that first then worry about those around you next. Stand up.

My body is so powerful now. I am strong, I am lithe and can endure. I don't fear my body anymore. That for me is the most powerful transformation of all.

Go kick arse.

 

[more2adore]

Thanks again to everyone who responded on this thread. I need the encouragement/advice/kicks up the rear, and they really helped. I'm getting excited now - I called Prof. Nottle's office yesterday and his PA confirmed that he'd said he could help me, and we're still on for my appointment with him on Friday, 9/19. Now I just have to think of all the questions I want to ask and write them down so I don't forget. Hubby and I booked our hotel yesterday. It'll be probably a 9-10 hour drive to get there, so we've decided to turn it into a nice long weekend and will be driving down Thursday, staying Friday-Sunday, and driving home Monday. Neither of us have been to Melbourne before, so we're going to have fun and explore a little while we're there. The hotel we've booked is just a little outside the city and has a lovely ocean view. I can't wait.

 

[Elizabeth N.]

Yay roadtrip!

 

[DianaCox]

Lovely thread!