Dealing with know-it-alls!

[jjordan8130]

Ok friends......

I battled with the decision to be public about having DS, and decided that I would be open about it. I'm thinking that was a mistake. I work at the hospital where I'm having surgery. I thought because we care for these patients there would be more acceptance, but I feel like most of the people I've come across just aren't! I'm frustrated. Mostly it's fellow employees who say "but it's so dangerous!", "but I've cared for those patients and they ALWAYS come back in with complications" etc etc. We are a great facility with excellent surgeons. I've researched this for over 5 years. It's not something I just decided one day to do and jumped in.

How have you guys dealt with people who think they know everything about WLS? Were you open about it or did you keep it private?

 

[MajorMom]

I kept it private at work. Know-it-alls? Have you ever worked with retired military officers? lol

 

[clpeltz]

Yes, at times you will find that everyone around you thinks they know everything. Sometimes it is just best to say 'thank you for your concern' and move on. Sometimes just stopping and giving them 'the look' will make them realize they are overstepping. Sometimes....you just can't fix stupid. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Stick to your guns. You've done your research and know where you are going.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Sometimes just stopping and giving them 'the look' will make them realize they are overstepping. Sometimes....you just can't fix stupid. ....... You've done your research and know where you are going.

This. Your life, your choices and one of those choices should be not to give any emotional credence to their opinions. Remind them that diets fail and that nurses who deal with diabetes and complications might have a few insights to share with them about the "rates of complications for staying obese". I believe honesty is the best policy, but that includes being honest to people who need to STFU. You will find your groove and will rock it

 

[shann]

First of all, how freaking cute are you??

Secondly, I went with the refrain, "Thanks so much for your concern. I'm really confident in my decision."
And I do mean refrain-- when you say something over and over again no matter how they answer it, they realize that you aren't asking for a conversation.

 

[hilary1617]

I let my colleagues know. I just announced it during a staff meeting.

I felt that massive weight loss following a lengthy absence would give them cause for concern and I wanted to let them know I didn't have a grave condition. I also wanted to let them know about the DS because it gave me such hope and was not well-publicized, so I thought they might spread the word to their friends and loved ones.

I really didn't get much of anything other than encouragement and best wishes in the workplace. My friends were worried, but supportive. My sister, however, was highly resistant to the idea and eventually I had to tell her that my decision was final and I was not going to discuss it with her further. I did lose my cool and make some snarky comment which I later regretted that unless her coaching had personally contributed to someone losing over 150 pounds through diet and exercise alone that she was not qualified to advise me and I was going to defer to the opinions of medical experts.

I love Shann's refrain approach.

 

[huneypie]

I kept it private as I didn't want to deal with all the questioning and it's not anybody's business. It's tough for you as you're having it done where you work.

Given that that is the case I think I'd probably just smile and nod as I wouldn't be interested in a full on discussion with someone. They've obviously made up their minds and I wouldn't let it bother me if they think it's dangerous. All surgery carries risk, but so can doing nothing. Would they say to someone having a heart bypass 'that's so dangerous'?

 

[Bagaof4]

I was completely open about my DS and most of my colleagues and family were supportive. No one knew what it was, but I felt if I could help even one person, exposing myself was worth it! In fact, one of my colleagues had her band removed and revised to the DS.
I have had some snarky comments from what used to be my best friend. She is slim but diets and exercises constantly. She comments on how "unhealthy" I eat (bacon, fat, few salads, little to no fruit etc.). She is an intelligent person, but no matter how I try and explain malabsorption, she just doesn't get it. I don't think she ever will. I think because this conflicts so much with her ingrained idea of "eating well," she just can't seem to accept it. She has actually distanced herself from me and that's ok.
I just tell her, my labs are stellar, my doctor is pleased, I feel great and obesity was VERY unhealthy for me.
Expanding my circle of friends.

 

[DianaCox]

I was fortunate in that people who saw me gain 50 lbs n the last 5 years before my DS were concerned, and having a PhD, almost nobody dared to question the intelligence or quality of my decision. The only ones who did were family - my husband and my parents - who questioned the emotional intelligence of the decision - looking past the science to my personality, asking if I was looking for the "magic bullet" and not accepting the issues involving post-op life style changes that would be necessary. I could deal with those questions, because they were well-founded - I had run out of diets I was willing to follow, from what they could see. And my husband had never seen me successfully diet previously, because I met him after I had given up.

My answer afterwards to people who wondered with "concern" about the high-fat foods I was eating was a big smile and something along the lines of "YUP! Isn't it fantastic that my surgery allows me to eat this way? It does not suck!" I loved the look on their faces .... But it does help to have a pre-planned phrase or two in your pocket to pull out that stops the inquiries and criticisms, together with a practiced "look" that stops them in their tracks.

As for the "friends" who can't deal with your weight loss afterwards, this is a clear sign that your role in the relationship was NOT what you thought it was - you were the "fat friend" who they believed showed how open-minded they were, but really, who provided a stark contrast as to make them look thinner. Once you no longer fill that slot in their "friends list," the reality of the shallowness of the relationship comes to the fore. Time to move on.

 

[Elizabeth N.]

I was dying and everybody knew it, so nobody questioned my WLS decision.

I've dealt with a hell of a lot of know-it-alls, though, and I have two preferred methods for shutting them up: One, I educate them to death in a wall of words that leaves them wishing they'd never opened their mouths, or two, I give them THE LOOK, which is a snake-intense eyeball to eyeball stare, completely silent, held until they shrink within themselves and slink away.

My less preferred method, but more socially acceptable, is something along the lines of, "I have done an enormous amount of research, am satisfied with my decision, and my medical team is fully on board with me. Thank you for your concern." Then repeat verbatim as the response to ANYTHING they come back with.

Most people get the message that they have overstepped within moments. For those who DON'T, it's time to turn your back and walk away and give them the old fashioned "cut direct." You are NOT required to listen to their bullshit.

Once or twice I've had to tell someone some version of STFU, but that's very rare.

 

[Whit]

I revised from RNY to DS. I was ashamed I felt I had failed. I was very vocal after my RNY surgery 10 years ago. Ultimate cheerleader. Fast forward gained a significant amount of weight back. Same co workers.

When I decided to revise as recommended I only told my boss who is also a friend. I have lost over 100 pounds and nobody has said anything. I was stressed for no reason. After support groups and a bit of therapy I have learned not to give a rats behind what other people think.

You will figure out what works for you.

Best
Whit

 

[southernlady]

While my daddy was "on board" with my doing something, he's yet to understand it...that's okay tho. My two half sisters are very accepting of my choice...not theirs but accepting that it IS mine. Daughters (step) haven't processed, even after three years that this is a healthy FOR ME option. One is so busy trying to stay slim by running, drinking soy milk, eating salads, etc. She has her mom's genetics (pear shaped) and she is now fighting the butt gain that comes as part of having kids. The other is a type 1 diabetic and does understand carb counting. However, her control is great since she focused on babymaking/raising. (her son is 18 months old). So what she is doing is working for her.

Since my full sister is not talking to me, I don't know how she feels about it.

I got lucky in my best friends...while I am no longer morbidly obese....they have accepted me as is.

And the look: My Mother taught me that one...it's called the "Southern Lady's GO TO HELL" look.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Depends...IF your surgeon is NOT on the DSFacts list of vetted surgeons, and if his patients DO always come back with complications...and especially if he is is AZ or CA and has moved around a lot, then I would recommend listening to your coworkers.

Otherwise, what everyone else has said.

 

[kirmy]

Throat punch them. That's what I would do.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Throat punch them. That's what I would do.

haha Kirmy wins.