Hello

Brandy Rediker

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2014
Messages
61
Hello, it's been over 4 yrs since I've joined this group. My surgery was on Nov. 4, 2014. I need to talk and get some things off my chest. For about 3 yrs I've been suffering with Manic depression and over the past year its spiral almost out of control. I am in 20 mg of Trintellix. Now on a daily basis I think about suicide. I've not tried to hurt myself because of the fear of what it would do to my children. They are what keeps my face above the water. But it doesnt stop me from thinking about it.

I have become so addicted to drinking sodas all day long, I'm like a alcoholic who cant go without their alcohol. I started smoking cigarettes 3 yrs ago to help me cope with my depression. I've gained 80 lbs of the 100 I lost.

I have absolutely no support from my husband. He doesnt care if I have my protein shakes, my vitamins or protein for the whole day. His thoughts are it cost to much to buy for 3 meals a day. He only wants to buy dinner and that's it. So I pretty much eat my proteins for dinner. He has changed so much over the last 4 yrs. He was all for my surgery and we use to struggle with getting my vitamins but he would work extra hours so we could get them. Then it all changed when I got down to 200 lbs. He wanted me back up to where I was before surgery.

Now on to my mother. I have been taking care of her for 10 yrs. She refuses to do anything for herself. She had the surgery right after me. She lost all her weight, and when everyone started commenting on how well she was getting around she stopped everything and gained all her weight back. She has always guilt tripped me my whole life. Her favorite saying is "God is going to take me away from you" or "When I die your gonna regret treating me this way". I try talking to her and telling her my problems and how I think about suicide all the time. What does she do but go back and tell my dad. What happens the next morning he jumps me for upsetting my mom about the suicidal thoughts. I am full of guilt for everything I do. She is always putting me down for the way I raise .y kids. I'm not a good enough mother in her eyes. She gets my oldest daughter talking about me putting thoughts in her head. I just cant deal with that.

I feel lost and alone all the time. I have so many emotions running through my head. I just wish I could stop thinking. Sleep all day. That's another thing she tells me. I'm not allowed to take naps. I'm to young for naps and I'm suppose to spend all day with her.

Could someone be my angel? Someone who will help me get back on track to support me in giving up my sodas? Get back to taking my vitamins daily and make sure I'm eating breakfast, lunch and dinner? Someone who I can talk to?

Thank you
Brandy
 
Welcome back Brandy Rediker
Good first step in coming back for support. Now, keep coming back and reading. I would also suggest therapy. In person preferably but online with a licensed therapist if in person is not possible. You need your thoughts of suicide addresses ASAP.
 
I know that you need help! I can offer a listening ear, tips that have helped me with my weight struggles, and prayer for you. I believe you are working with a professional to address your depression and that is good. Definitely keep working with your Doctor/therapist.

I know up how difficult being a caregiver is. I cared for my Mother until she passed in 2018. I know it is difficult but you need to find some sort of outlet. If you are able to get out of the house, I recommend taking a short walk. It can help clear your mind. I started walking for 20 minutes. When I was unable to get out for a walk I would write in a journal.

You cannot control everything, but control what you can. What do you enjoy about your sodas. If it is the fizz ( carbonation) maybe you could substitute seltzer and eliminate some of the calories. If you just need a beverage besides water you could try some of the sugar free drink mixes like crystal light.

Maybe you could keep a food journal for the next week. Don’t change anything yet but create a baseline of what you are eating. Then look at what you are eating and make some adjustments. My fitness pal Is free and I find it easy to use.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I look forward to watching your progress. You can make the changes you need. Just break things down into smaller manageable steps.
 
Therapy! We care about you and you can always come here to vent, but we are not a substitute for therapy with a professional who can help you get past the negativity and lack of support from your family, your suicidal thoughts and depression. This isn't about your weight, it's about your survival. Find a qualified therapist, either in person or phone or Zoom or other means (damn Covid!) and get the help you need.
 
Therapy! Get help! And switch to diet soda. Even if the rest of them don't like it. No one needs the sugar. There is one small step!
 
Brandy, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It must be very difficult. Like the others have said, please get professional therapy. You are worth it!

Also please get blood tests to check your vitamin levels, especially B12 and magnesium. Malnutrition could be contributing to depression. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2738337/
 
Thank you guys so much for the support!! I haven't had internet since I posted. I've also moved from Florida to Virginia with my family. Parents included! I've been here for 3 weeks found a job and I am feeling a little bit better. I have an appointment with a new doctor and will be talking to them about my issues. I am so tired of being depressed, stressed and dealing with my anxiety. I just want to feel normal again. I will keep everyone posted on my progressed.

On a side note, I have limited my soda intake and started drinking water more and also started back on my protein shake. I'm just praying my vitamin levels havent hit rock bottom.

Thank you guys again!! It means so much to me!!!
 
I am so glad to hear from you. I was concerned. I am glad you are making steps to improve your situation.
 
On a side note, I have limited my soda intake and started drinking water more
One year, long before I had the DS, I was living on sweet tea and soda. Decided to drink more water and over the course of 2 months, dropped 25 lbs. I never did go back to the soda habit, although I will indulge occasionally when eating out, but the tea habit is now controlled by drinking hot tea only in the mornings (with sugar cause I don’t do any sweeteners).
 
I'm glad you are with your family and that you found a new job as well.
please keep in mind this is an anxious time for many of us due to the pandemic.
 
That's a lot of change - new home, new job, new doctor. That's a lot of transition and could be a shock to the system, even without a pandemic. Please stick with the plan for the doctor and look ahead to the future when things are settled. :) Wishing you the best.
 
One year, long before I had the DS, I was living on sweet tea and soda. Decided to drink more water and over the course of 2 months, dropped 25 lbs. I never did go back to the soda habit, although I will indulge occasionally when eating out, but the tea habit is now controlled by drinking hot tea only in the mornings (with sugar cause I don’t do any sweeteners).

So what is wrong with tea?
 

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