Where is my calm before the storm?

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

My stomach is a mess, though recovering since I stopped the vits...and I just got my monthly gift. AWESOME timing :/ I have a blister on my face from wearing foundation. ugh. I looked pretty that day but each night before I go to bed I have a giant plaster/band aid on my face so my cpap won't burn and hurt.

On a happy note, my book for hospital reading came. I got "Ketchup Clouds" by Annabel Pitcher as it looked funny and simple to read...no complex plots. On the inside cover it says it won a childrens book award lmao...sounds right up my ally then!

Got all the stuff printed off about how to deal with death for mike...just in case! I have written down all my online accounts with passwords.

I feel ready, even if a bit sick with all my tummy/womanly issues. What will be will be

Just have to get this essay done for my psych module as it is due on the 18th

I'm ready for this. Going through a bit of mourning for food...I know I will able to eat most things again...this is just mind fuckery at play.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I caved. Took codeine. Our anniversary night was sooooo much fun! I managed to whimper under my breath without codeine (the 2 shots of jack helped!), but I spent all of Wednesday in bed, literally....trying to sleep off the agony. I also slept through Wednesday night, getting up with mike this morning as he got ready for work. I'm stiff to the core waddling and shuffling like tweetie's granny. I just couldn't tough it out anymore I really hope this doesn't effect the pain killers after the OP as they are going to expect me to walk about. ugh. I'm too young to feel this old!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I have decided this is the tread I'm going to spew my fears on. (also, when high on codeine, which is what happens after a long abstinence, I can talk for all of England)

I'm getting scared and tearful. I know logically, statistically, I will be fine. Mr P.'s office even told me they have never lost a DSer. They have lost a VSG peep dude to DVT, but as they do the DS in two stages it could be for any number of reasons that person didn't make it.

I don't have faith in anything, and that doesn't scare me...I'm not afraid of being fried like a fish in hell or floating for eternity out in "outter darkness" (Its a mormon thing), I just wish I had something to put my fears onto....so...Bariatric Facts....looks like that's YOU lol.

I'm not afraid of death, I'm sad about death because it means I won't know mike anymore. I know that sounds dumb, real dumb, and if I die I won't know it, but he will, and he will hurt more than he ever has....and that possibility makes me sad. He's such a great guy, super sweet in his own way. For our anniversary he said "so roses and chocolate only last for a moment...so I got you some potable house flowers so everytime you look at it you will think of me" How fucking sweet is THAT?! Not stereotypically romantic, but he has my heart fully and completely.

I look forward to all the things we will be able to do with me at a smaller size. Even still cripple, things are easier smaller. England is under a lot of water right now....not on my street thankfully, but everywhere else...it is devastating...and right now it would be awesome to get on a cheapy airbus, without having to worry about being so fucking fat, and run away to Spain, of the Caribbean where there is SUN and WARMTH.

While I was writing all of this my "Dark Side" slippers came...they are super comfy with a nice rubber bottom for the hospital floor. I shall take that as a good sign or omen that whilst I was venting my fears, my DS slippers came

Thanks for listening to me whine. I'm sure at least someone can relate. Half or me is scared and tearful and the other half of me is planning holidays in sunny places for next year.

 

[JackieOnLine]

you vent on, Roo, all kinds of fear are natural.

you are SO going to rock this.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Roo, I know just how you feel. I'm a little bit scared too. I really don't want to die, personally, but even more than that my kids need me a while longer and I can't bear for them or my husband to go through all that.

I started typing a big, huge, long reply to your post then I realized it was all about me, not you haha. I don't want to hijack your thread, so I will post it over to my journey page. But know I am sending every kind of good thought your way. You are going to be fine. You are not going to die getting your DS. You are taking this seriously, doing the things you should be doing to prepare, and you are going to do just great.

Also, I love his flowers present. That's very sweet and thoughtful You lucky girl and he's lucky to have someone in his life who appreciates his kind gestures!

Don't ever be afraid to be too ME ME ME around me lol. I realise I have the tendencies to be the same way. I don't mean too, it's just the way I relate to people by telling them allll about ME lol

And thanks for understanding. I just wrote my will on Facebook lol. (I don't own much so not a big deal lol. Just naming people for my cat, dog and clothes)

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

you vent on, Roo, all kinds of fear are natural.

you are SO going to rock this.

I hope so I fought so long and hard for this and I feel guilty for being a bit scared of something I've wanted for sooooo long!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

This is the only pic we took on our anniversary date lol. Had a nice dinner and went to the poety slam and we only remembered we didn't take a pic until we got home....and this is how we did it lol. We are an awesome couple lol

 

[shann]

I wrote letters to my husband & children and cried the entire time. Then I thought I was fine after that- didn't think about it again and just put my faith in my surgeon. Then came surgery day - I went through the entire presurgery time with tears leaking from my eyes. I never changed my mind, but I just cried. I was terrified of the whole thing. While I believe in a life after death, I didn't want to leave my family for anything and I sure didn't want them to have to deal with losing me. What you're feeling is so real and so normal.

But I made it through and I have every faith that you will too. This is the start of a whole new time in your life and you are going to rock it! We're all here to listen and support you.

btw, y'all are adorable!!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I wrote letters to my husband & children and cried the entire time. Then I thought I was fine after that- didn't think about it again and just put my faith in my surgeon. Then came surgery day - I went through the entire presurgery time with tears leaking from my eyes. I never changed my mind, but I just cried. I was terrified of the whole thing. While I believe in a life after death, I didn't want to leave my family for anything and I sure didn't want them to have to deal with losing me. What you're feeling is so real and so normal.

But I made it through and I have every faith that you will too. This is the start of a whole new time in your life and you are going to rock it! We're all here to listen and support you.

btw, y'all are adorable!!

Thanks! We have such a different marriage lol. I think that's what makes us so stable. We laugh a lot and take the piss out of each other daily..and also say I love you's several times a day <3 I love my baby!

I will not back out. The desire to run is STRONG!!!! When stress hits, fight or flight hits...and Im a runner, but I refuse to give into that impulse. I want this. I need this. I will do this!!!! but ahhhh omg! I will write letters to everyone soon, but I know I will cry too and I don't wanna lol

 

[hilary1617]

Stay strong - you've got this! It is terrifying and everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. We've all been there! Look to the future - you, a year from now, probably no CPAP, easier to move around, healthier, easier to find clothes that suit your taste, longer time on the planet to spend being adorable with your husband!!!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I can't say I'm terrified, because I'm not. Just a subtle fear will I will leave mike heartbroken.

 

[hilary1617]

Well, you are stronger than I was because my knees were knocking! I've got two young children and an amazingly fun, kind, bright husband who puts up with my antics. He's an independent inventor and stay-at-home dad which means I'm the primary breadwinner, so in addition to the possibility of leaving my kids motherless and my husband a young widower, I had to face possibly costing them their sole source of financial support. But I kept going back to the fact that if I stayed at my weight / size, I was almost assuredly going to die young and likely at an unexpected time. The odds of a lengthy, meaningful, happy life were far greater in getting the DS than in continuing along my same path of failed diet upon failed diet. Hang in there!

 

[hilary1617]

P.S. In also went through a "Why me? What if I die or end up maimed? I don't want to feel pain. This sucks. " train of thought coupled with a self-blame inspired sadness along the lines of "How could it get to this point? How could I do this to myself? How could I do this to my family?" Lots of emotion came bubbling to the surface, which I had successfully ignored/pushed aside for years. From what I've read of others, is fairly common. This is very tough to face. My heart goes out to everyone who is pre-surgery. It is such a relief to be on the other side!

Anyway wishing you all the best and I hope it gives some comfort to know you are not alone.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Well I figure if I am brave enough to leave all of my family and the life I had to move to a place where I knew one person....I have enough balls left over to face this head on. Also, if I lived through my first op at 644lb, a diabetic and a smoker....I got this! No longer diabetic and no longer a smoker.....so the odds are in my favour

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

ok I've nailed it. I know why I feel so bad. I feel guilty for being selfish. For some reason when I do things solely for me, I freak out. Not good at being selfish...not even the good amount of selfish. I release that as it's about time I AM selfish for once No more guilt!