RNY- Sep 2008.....2013 accelerated weight gain begins
I realize I had a sorted journey, marked by triumphs, inconsistencies, failures and so on but never understood that to mean I was traveling backwards. Enshrouded by fat, playing peek-a-boo with the world, avoiding mirrors, sizing up spaces to avoid logistical nightmares, feeling my width when hugged by "smaller people", buying bigger clothes to mask rolls....all memorable from my past, but now my present reality, again? Not quite at pre-op weight but definitely close.
At which mile marker did I stop caring? Not sure there is such a marker because I never stopped caring. Perhaps as I settled into skinny body, enjoying the customs and traditions of skinny persons, I forgot... forgot my genetic make-up, forgot the war within waged on though undectected. I was lulled into a false sense of security, after all I could eat junk (smaller porportions), skip meals and sporadically exercise with no adverse effect or so it seemed. It was like I gained weight in 5lb increments over several months, after the first 2yrs. Losing the 5lbs, a piece of cake but if not caught in time 5lbs became 10 requiring a little more work to conquer, but it was cool. After awhile it was easy to accept the new set point. From 150-170, life was good.
Late 2012 my focus was shifted from "skinny girl problems" to surviving life in the face of significant back to back stressors. As some would say, "Life Happened". Is that an excuse? No, simply a contributor. I will own my maladaptive behaviors- skipping meals, not eating at all, choosing cookies instead of food as the meal of the day, snack grazing, no exercise or exercise minus adequate energy, etc. These behaviors however didn't mark the beginning of some ultimate downward spiral. There were still great moments in between where I'd put a stop to the foolishness and get back on track.
I personally believe I missed the sign "Caution Ahead" warning me of the ferocious speed at which the weight would advance without notice. There were literally a few months in which I could not fit clothes worn weeks prior. I didn't gain weight that fast when I was fat. This new gen fat was also quite resistant, perhaps age, I don't know. Now 180-195, the weight just wouldn't move. Inches would decrease, muscle would build, stamina increased but the literal POUNDage, minimal to no movement. Didn't take long for me to realize I was back in the cycle of lose 5/gain 7, lose 7/gain 10. Let me paint a clearer picture.... lose 5lbs in 3wks, stop exercising for 2 wks gain 7lbs.
Standing on the battlefield, IED's, bloodshed, seeing her... wait that her is me, screaming "Why the hell am I here again??!!??!! Father God!" Drained of energy, all I am able to do is watch.
I believe in grinding for what you want but never truly grasped the idea that the grind to maintain can never EVER stop. I know ppl fall off so I'm not beating myself up. But how does this work when multiple aspects of your life start caving in on you. It was never my plan to divert all energy toward getting up, going to work, being professional and getting back home....wash, rinse, repeat. That however was all the energy I could muster in a day during some of these critical periods.
Never factored in the challenges of managing weight when life is consuming every ounce of your energy.
So here I sit, at another point of contemplation, recognizing how WLS worked for me and how ill prepared I was for the battering ram of life, poor attention to maintenance and subsequent weight gain. Yes, yes, in hindsight I can see a million ways things could've been done differently. 40days & nights (x80) of pity partying has taken place. Self-blame and shame recently left the building. The "Time 2 Move 4wd" bus has arrived and I have my ticket.
I would do surgery again...I want to do surgery again, but is it an option? Questions leading me to DS, to Bariatricfacts and to this post.
8+yrs later, new journey underway....TO BE CONTINUED. Tootlz
I realize I had a sorted journey, marked by triumphs, inconsistencies, failures and so on but never understood that to mean I was traveling backwards. Enshrouded by fat, playing peek-a-boo with the world, avoiding mirrors, sizing up spaces to avoid logistical nightmares, feeling my width when hugged by "smaller people", buying bigger clothes to mask rolls....all memorable from my past, but now my present reality, again? Not quite at pre-op weight but definitely close.
At which mile marker did I stop caring? Not sure there is such a marker because I never stopped caring. Perhaps as I settled into skinny body, enjoying the customs and traditions of skinny persons, I forgot... forgot my genetic make-up, forgot the war within waged on though undectected. I was lulled into a false sense of security, after all I could eat junk (smaller porportions), skip meals and sporadically exercise with no adverse effect or so it seemed. It was like I gained weight in 5lb increments over several months, after the first 2yrs. Losing the 5lbs, a piece of cake but if not caught in time 5lbs became 10 requiring a little more work to conquer, but it was cool. After awhile it was easy to accept the new set point. From 150-170, life was good.
Late 2012 my focus was shifted from "skinny girl problems" to surviving life in the face of significant back to back stressors. As some would say, "Life Happened". Is that an excuse? No, simply a contributor. I will own my maladaptive behaviors- skipping meals, not eating at all, choosing cookies instead of food as the meal of the day, snack grazing, no exercise or exercise minus adequate energy, etc. These behaviors however didn't mark the beginning of some ultimate downward spiral. There were still great moments in between where I'd put a stop to the foolishness and get back on track.
I personally believe I missed the sign "Caution Ahead" warning me of the ferocious speed at which the weight would advance without notice. There were literally a few months in which I could not fit clothes worn weeks prior. I didn't gain weight that fast when I was fat. This new gen fat was also quite resistant, perhaps age, I don't know. Now 180-195, the weight just wouldn't move. Inches would decrease, muscle would build, stamina increased but the literal POUNDage, minimal to no movement. Didn't take long for me to realize I was back in the cycle of lose 5/gain 7, lose 7/gain 10. Let me paint a clearer picture.... lose 5lbs in 3wks, stop exercising for 2 wks gain 7lbs.
Standing on the battlefield, IED's, bloodshed, seeing her... wait that her is me, screaming "Why the hell am I here again??!!??!! Father God!" Drained of energy, all I am able to do is watch.
I believe in grinding for what you want but never truly grasped the idea that the grind to maintain can never EVER stop. I know ppl fall off so I'm not beating myself up. But how does this work when multiple aspects of your life start caving in on you. It was never my plan to divert all energy toward getting up, going to work, being professional and getting back home....wash, rinse, repeat. That however was all the energy I could muster in a day during some of these critical periods.
Never factored in the challenges of managing weight when life is consuming every ounce of your energy.
So here I sit, at another point of contemplation, recognizing how WLS worked for me and how ill prepared I was for the battering ram of life, poor attention to maintenance and subsequent weight gain. Yes, yes, in hindsight I can see a million ways things could've been done differently. 40days & nights (x80) of pity partying has taken place. Self-blame and shame recently left the building. The "Time 2 Move 4wd" bus has arrived and I have my ticket.
I would do surgery again...I want to do surgery again, but is it an option? Questions leading me to DS, to Bariatricfacts and to this post.
8+yrs later, new journey underway....TO BE CONTINUED. Tootlz
. I feel encouraged and will do more research, though the information on this site alone is like #'s 1 thru 10 of encyclopedia Brittanica (remember those, before the world went digital, lol) 
