I've ruined my life.

[Dawn]

I've realized my life is over and this is my new reality. They can't fix me because they can't even agree what's wrong. I will live the rest of my life in pain.
I've ruined my life by trying to make it better.

I use to be able to walk and talk now I can't. I woke this morning frightening to breathe. Every breath feels like a kick in the ribs and a knife to the shoulder.

 

[JackieOnLine]

oh, sweet mother - Dawn, I'm so sorry you feel this badly - all I can tell you is the worst part is temporary.

PLEASE don't look so far ahead, being septic wipes a person out, and a lung collapsing? and your leaks and the stricture? makes sense you would feel horrible. you will not always feel so bad.

I don't know what is going to happen long term but you have enough to deal with short term. I wish I could be there in person and look you in the eye and say you didn't do any thing wrong and things WILL get better.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Dawn, I'm so sorry! I know the amount of suffering you're dealing with right now is making it hard to see the possibility of things getting any better, but I have faith that they will! Is it possible for you to be transferred to another hospital where maybe there are more competent doctors?

 

[Jo777]

I really don't have much in the way of words of support- you are in the thick of the worst of things right now, and you won't be able to see the forest for the trees ('cause right now your perspective is about the same ground level as an ant!) Just please understand that even thinking past two days forward at THIS moment, is wasted energy. Focus on just today, this evening, healing.. This is NOT your life, but it is your current reality.. it will pass, it won't stay like this forever.. You have my deepest empathy for what you are going through and the sting of the why's an how's and wtf why me's is completely normal.. just try to dismiss those feelings as they come up and focus more on the thoughts that this is indeed NOT forever.

 

[hilary1617]

Dawn, I'm so sorry. All I can do is offer a virtual hug. It can only get better from here.

 

[DianaCox]

Dawn - I know your pain and fear are real, but what you are doing right now is catastrophizing. It is very common and natural that you are doing this, but you don't HAVE to do it, and it is making your distress worse.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/what-is-catastrophizing-cognitive-distortions

http://sullivan-painresearch.mcgill.ca/pdf/pcs/PCSManual_English.pdf

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decatastrophizing

Please ask for some help with the emotional issues of what you are going through. Even some anxiolytics temporarily could help.

And if they have you on Reglan (metoclopramide) to keep your guts moving, tell them to take you OFF of it ASAP - it can have TERRIBLE psych side effects, including panic attacks and suicidal ideation. I suffered from this from a freaking brachioplasty and facelift! http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=17854&name=REGLAN. And since you are in Canada, you can get domperidone instead (for some stupid reason, it is not FDA approved in the US): http://www.medicinenet.com/domperidone-oral/article.htm

 

[JackieOnLine]

excellent post, Diana

Dawn, do you have anyone there in person to talk to? I'm glad you can post here (and elsewhere) but having someone in person would really help.

 

[Dawn]

excellent post, Diana

Dawn, do you have anyone there in person to talk to? I'm glad you can post here (and elsewhere) but having someone in person would really help.

My family has only made it up twice this week. No one has been here since wed.

 

[Dawn]

Consider Other Possible Outcomes
Consider positive predictions, neutral predictions, and mildly negative predictions, not just very negative predictions. "

I can do that .

 

[Larra]

Dawn, give yourself a break! Right now you feel like crap both physically and psychologically, but this isn't a permanent state. You WILL get better! Ask your treating physicians if there is someone at the hospital you can talk with - a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, someone who can give you emotional support to help you through this terrible time.

Revisions suck! But that doesn't mean that you made a bad decision. Complications happen, but they are being treated and one of these days you will turn the corner and feel so much better.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Dawn,

My revision from Band-toDS was performed by a pro, was a done deal in about two hours, and presented ZERO complications before, during or after surgery.

And yet, for eleven weeks post-op, I was sure I had ruined my life.

Time for Valium or X-anax ( which has to have a - or it is a banned word here...go figure) or Lorazepam or something to get you through this time. NO, you did not get the surgery you wanted. YES, your surgeon is now on my list of People Who Don't Want To Meet Me In A Dark Alley If They Ever Try To Touch Me.

And, YES, your life will be different than you planned. But it is really not as bad as it looks right now.

Really.

Sue

 

[Jo777]

Diana is spot on, from another person that falls into the trap herself. I also highly recommend some temp anti-anxiety meds highly. For me x-anax works far better for calming, slightly mood lifting, and allowing reality to be seen vs klonopin, which seems to lower mood (at least in me), which isn't needed for you right now.

 

[JackieOnLine]

My family has only made it up twice this week. No one has been here since wed.

it's OK to tell them - I need more support, please come here. or, I would be willing to do that for you. PM me with the phone number and I will call and suggest you need more support than you are getting.

medication for anxiety and/or depression are not a bad idea but please ask for someone to TALK to first. Social Worker, Chaplin, volunteer - tell them you need them ALL. seriously.

one of them will help. people like to help. and in some cases, of course, it's their job.

 

[jillc]

How far away are your family, Dawn? Things will get better ((hugs)), it's just really hard to believe that when you get knocked down again and again.

 

[MamaShelia]

Dawn,

I am very new here, but I can feel the hurt in your message. I am sorry. I agree, that whatever is going on with you will pass....in a few minutes, hours, days...or whenever!

This is NOT your forever place, so don't allow yourself to get stuck here!

Reach out to someone who can give you a real hug to go with all of our cyber ones!

And let me just say, if you have not read jillc's quote in her tagline in a while....please do! It just has to make you smile!

(I feel like one of my goofy teen students, I can't stop giggling at it...horticulture, indeed!