Hello! Surgery scheduled and mildly freaking out

[Roudoudou]

Happy New Year, everyone! I've been meaning to introduce myself on the forum; I've already posted a few times and received some very helpful answers, so thank you to the community for that.

I'm 39, and weight has been a battle in some form or another since I was about 11. I spent 6th and 7th grade battling anorexia, and after being given carte blanche by my well-meaning parents to eat whatever I wanted after that diagnosis, I put on weight until I was about 140 at high school graduation. Of course, I thought I was huge at that size. College brought the freshman 30, and then by senior year I was up to about 220. I didn't realize it at the time, but I have binge eating disorder and food became my go-to comforter of choice when I was happy/sad/lonely/bored/excited/whatever.

I moved to France after graduation, and at the end of four years, had got down to about 190. While there (and weighing about 220), I had to have my gallbladder out and remember lying in the hospitl with tremendous pain thinking, "If only I could always feel like this; I'd never overeat!" Disordered thinking.

Within a year of returning home, I was up to 270, and finally hit a high weight of 306. I was seriously considering getting the sleeve done in Mexico by Dr. Aceves. But I decided to give dieting one more try before going that route. Something clicked in roughly 2011 and I embraced the low carb/high protein diet and within about two years was down to 185. I was so proud of myself, was getting lots of praise from my family and friends, and was nearly ready to say good bye to my Lane Bryant shopping days. Then in 2013, my wonderful Dad unexpectedly passed away. I stayed away from bingeing for a couple months, but one slip led to the whole thing starting over again and since then my weight has creeped back up to 270. It's incredibly frustrating; the low carb thing was HARD but it was working, at least for a while, and I just kick myself for putting the weight back on. I'm sure my story is not unique.

I was part of a 12-step group for compulsive eaters for about three years, but wasn't able to fully embrace the program and stopped attending meetings. I found parts of it really triggering; maybe I just wasn't ready, maybe it just wasn't for me. I know those programs can do a tremendous amount of good for many.

New job, new insurance that covers bariatric surgery. After a lot of research on the boards, I have decided I'd like to get the duodenal switch (after a brief flirtation with the idea of gastric bypass). Found a surgeon in Washington state (Dr. Myur Srikanth) who performs the surgery. Just received the insurance approval yesterday, and surgery is tentatively scheduled for February 16. Upon receiving the news of the approval, I went from joy to "Oh, no, I can't do this!" in about ten seconds flat. All sorts of doubts are popping up. I've been working with a dietitian for the last nine months who has been very helpful in changing my relationship with food, but I do still binge. Not as much as before, not as often as before, but that behavior is still there. I keep thinking that the restriction is going to be my lifeline, coupled with the behavioral changes I've made. But am worried about not being able to comply with the post-surgery requirements, and am also worried about losing my big ol' sugary carby security blanket. I am SICK of being obese. I know that, and I know what I've tried before hasn't worked, or hasn't worked long-term.

So, that's my story! I look forward to getting to know this community, and I am hesitantly looking forward to the candor.

Ann

 

[southernlady]

Welcome, @Roudoudou
For one so young, you've had a heck of a ride. Good for you for addressing your relationship with food.

 

[Larra]

Hi and welcome!
It's normal and ok to be apprehensive. You've decided to change, which is great but scary. The surgery will change you. It will be much easier not just to lose weight, but to change your eating habits when your tastes have changed. If you still have a problem with emotional eating, consider seeing a therapist to find better ways to deal with your emotions, ways that are not self-destructive. You can do this!

 

[KathrynK]

Welcome! Your journey from 140 in high school to around 300 after tough life events is similar to my own. One thing DS cured me of was self-blame. If a surgeon can fix it with a knife in an afternoon, the problem wasn't with me. You've made good decisions about working with a dietician to get started with healthy eating, but it will be so much easier post DS. Binge eating will be hard to do right after DS and it helps that you can eat many small meals. I can eat all day long, 5 or 6 small protein meals (or more), just not all at once. There's also the DS discipline; she can be a tough master. Eating the wrong foods will cause symptoms that will make you think twice about choosing them. I thought my hardest loss after surgery would be the loss of my favorite cinnamon buns, chocolate cream-filled cake and bagels. But it hasn't been. I can have all of them, my rule is to have them immediately after a healthy protein meal. And I discovered I don't want them or need them as much. DS changed my whole relationship with food. It is a great source of pleasure, but more quantity doesn't make for more pleasure. To be perfectly honest, I've learned there are no saints about food after DS, we all have our moments, but my "sins" are smaller and my desire to commit them is lower. You've made a good decision, you've prepared yourself for it, and know that there are hundreds of us, even thousands of us, who have followed your path and ended up where you want to be. Happier and healthier.

 

[hilary1617]

Hi and welcome @Roudoudou ! DS is one of the best decisions I ever made. It will make things much easier for you, but for your own emotional well-being, I'd recommend a counselor to help with the weight loss transition and developing healthier ways to address and process loss and pain. You are worth it! Best wishes!

 

[Butterfly]

Hello! Thank you for sharing your story, I really think it helps to know you're among people who get it.

I also think it's' completely normal to feel a little freaked out. What calms me is to think "No surgeon wants to have a patient die on them. It hurts their record! He or she is going to give me every test they think I need to be as sure as they can about me." This little mantra I remind myself is a result of a friend of mine who *was* told by a doctor that she wasn't a candidate until she stopped smoking and did a few other things to improve her chances.

Good luck!